SAPULKAMO!

Dati, ang dali-dali sabihin ng mga bagay. Kahit `di na pag-isipan, okay lang. Normal lang. Walang malisya. Pero ngayon? Simula nung nalaman kong mayroon na pala talaga, hindi na. Nagbago na. Nakakainis lang, dati kaya natin kahit tayo lang dalawa. Ngayon, hindi na. Nakakailang at lahat kailangan na munang pag-isipan.

Just Another Letter

Dear November,

Good morning and hello, November! :-)

A new month to go through and the second to the last month of this year, 2010. October seems to treat me well, like srsly well that I have welcomed you on a happy state. I know that there`ll be a lot of changes that will happen to me this month. I have to get used to waking up early `cos I have morning classes, same as I have to learn sleeping early at night. And that would be my serious problem, I don`t know how I`ll be able to manage my time. Start of a new semester, new life. I have to work harder. I also need to minimize the use of computer. Well, I just thought.

I wish for the continuity of my happiness. I don`t want to be sad anymore. I don`t want lots of thoughts to cover up my mind. I don`t want my feelings to eat me whole. I don`t want to be on my weakest times again, just like on September. I am wishing for more strength to help me go through everything. I need not to depend on others but to myself. I am wishing not only for the best for myself but also to my loved ones, to the people around me, to my beloved country, and to the world. I am wishing for everything that`s good.

November is a month of celebrations too. My brother`s birthday on the 5th and my mother`s birthday on the 7th. Lots of my friends are going to celebrate their birthdays this month also. Please, bless them.

And now it`s November 1st, All Saint`s Day, 02:40 AM and I`m still awake. I am praying for the souls of all the people who passed away, and their loved ones who they have left. Please bless us all.

This has been my life for how many years and I just want something different, for a change. Please let me discover something wonderful about life and most specially about my existence. I have let go of everything and I am ready to take everything upon God`s will.

I totally feel free now. Just please make me stronger, I don`t want to be eaten up again of my emotions. I have realized that everything has its reason and purpose. If there`s something that is bound to happen, let it be. I won`t wait. I won`t expect. I won`t assume. Not anymore. I`ll just be myself and live the way I am supposed to live. I will live a happy life. Please bless me with a sound mind and heart that will help me make the best decisions. Life is always tough, then I must be tougher. I`ll definitely be the commander of the life I`m living.

As I have to end this, just please bless all the people around me specially my family and friends. I wish them well. November, please let me feel I am loved. Let me feel I am something special. Make me brave. Please help me bring out the best of me. I trust you. And I love you. Until the next 30 days… Good night! :-)

Love always,

Kathleen

Can`t Let Go by Landon Pigg

Too Proud of Myself

Natuwa lang ako. :> Hindi ko ipinost dahil sa kinilig ako or what. Ewan, ang saya lang kasi wala ng efect. HAHAH. I`m into signs and numbers nga kasi, pero IDK why this time, wala akong na-feel. Siguro sign `to na, at last hindi ko na niloloko sarili ko. Dati kasi, sabi lang ako ng sabi, wala na, wala na talaga. Pero ngayon, siguro kahit papaano, paunti-unti.. like gradually, it fades na talaga. And I`m too happy siyempre kasi, okay na ako. Okay na kami. I`d be my usual self na palagi di`ba? Lalo na sa kanya. HAHAH. Dati kasi ilang-ilang pa`ko, eh ngayon okay na. Parang wlang nangyari. Parang natutulog lang, hehe. Kaya ayon masaya lang ako. ^_^

Kahit ilang photos pa ang meron tayo, okay lang. Eh ano naman. Magkaibigan kasi kami. `Yun `yon. This is really happiness, I guess. Happiness with no regrets. :-)

THIS, SAME FEELING

“It was a kiss made in lonely dreams. A kiss that took its time. A kiss that felt so right she couldn’t remember all the reasons it was wrong.”

Susan Elizabeth Phillips (This Heart of Mine)

I MISS NOT HAVING YOU TO TALK TO

But I guess that this is just the way things are supposed to be. I mean, I should be thankful that we still talk, it`s just that, we don`t talk a lot now. We don`t talk that much now. But its totally fine `cos I`m getting used to it now and at least, I don`t feel awkward now. Pretty, pretty normal. It`s like its slowly fading everyday. And I`m happy. I said, I`m getting there. But yeah, I miss talking to you.

Getting There

If this is before, then they will all be should have beens, could have beens, might have beens, and must have beens. But since, I think I have put my thoughts into actions... that I am over and done with that, finally... everything that had happened is just usual and pretty normal. I have no malicious thoughts of some sort now. It was all plain and yeah, normal. And I`m happy and too proud of myself. Heehee.
I just love how everything is going now. It feels like they are all going back to place. I`m so thankful. This life. <3

:'(

Napaka-makasalanan ko. :-(

Hindi ko naman akalain na aabot sa ganito pero kasalanan ko talaga.

Hindi ko man sinasadya pero kasalanan ko talaga.

Dapat kasi hindi na lang.

Dapat una palang, tinigilan ko na.

Dapat noon pa lang, lumugar na ako sa dapat kong kalagyan.

Sana hindi na umabot sa ganito.

Sana hindi na nagyari yung mga nangyari na.

Sana hindi na basta.

Hay. Ewan.

Nakakalungkot.

Nakakaiyak.

;___;

It`s too sad when no one remembers. It makes me think I`m alone. Yes, I`m more of a loner but I still long for thoughts from other people. A simple "What`s up?" would be enough. But I think I`m receiving none the past days. I`m receiving none in the days when I needed it the most. I`ve been sick the past days, the kind of sickness that feels like it`s the end of the world for me. Yeah, srsly. I`ve been experiencing tremendous headache and body pain. My body temperature`s getting higher everyday. I`m not eating the way I used to eat since Friday. I can`t get to explain everything, you know. Basta, I`m sick.

And what saddens me is the that, my friends don`t bother asking how am I and all that. I felt like I`m dying, you know. And if ever I die, I think they`ll never know. It doesn`t interest them in anyway. Oh and there are some friends who would occasionally ask how am I, but then there`d be, oh can you please bring this and that. Oh, fuck you. Better not ask me at all.

And tomorrow, we`ll go to the Doctor again. Oh, please. I know this is not Dengue. I don`t want to die early. Yeah, I`ve been crying everytime it gets on my mind, like what if I have Dengue? No, please no. I hope I`ll get better na `cos I`m feeling really, really weak and I hate that.

Gotta go, my Mom`s yelling at me, heh. I need to rest.

There`s No Title Perfect For This. My Life`s a Blur

I knew it. We`ll never be the same. Sorry, I fucked up. Sorry, I went beyond my limitation. Sorry, for being so dumb and stupid for giving in. I`m sorry it turned out this way. I`m sorry. I`m sorry. I`m sorry.

I told myself I need to stop this. I need to stop thinking. Stop write something here and there. I need to stop everything. But I`m sorry, I failed again. I need to release everything. It was this blog, I think is the most safest place I can run in to.

I thought that by the time you`ve learned about everything, I`ll be okay. But I think I`m not. This feeling is eating me up. I don`t know if it`s just me but yeah, I think you`ve changed. We have changed.

I`ve been online the whole day, and I have seen you getting online and offline. It was that, I`m not used to us, not chatting you know. I know I have no right to demand or anything but that`s how it used to be before, eh? We have not talked since I told you how I feel. And that disturbs me, you know. I know we`re friends and I assume nothing has to change. But yeah, I can feel the change now.

I never want to lose you. I don`t want to lose someone like you. You`re one in a million and I swear that I will do my fucking best just to bring back the way we used to be. I`ll do my best to set aside my feelings. If you only knew how sorry I am. Sometimes, I think I should have not felt this way but I will never ever regret the day I start to like you. I mean, I may feel sad at times but it`s not a reason for me to regret you. It`s fine, this is what I want then I should face the consequences. But honestly, I think I`m hurting too much.

But I should take this in mind, that this is what I want. I did exactly what I want. And I must be ready about everything next to it. I should be happy instead for doing what I want. If it takes me to be sad, then I`ll take it open-armed. I may be sad now but I know I'll be happy again. It may take a little time but at least I will be happy soon. I wish for your happiness also. I`m praying that at least you can sleep soundly every night. I wish you are not feeling the way I`m feeling now. I wish that you`d get better. I`m always praying your safety. I'm wishing for everything that you wanted to be. And I`m wishing for a peace in mind and happiness, nothing more, nothing less.

Tomorrow. I`m waiting for the last sign. If I feel the awkwardness and the change between the two of us then I must really take sometime away from everything and start to look at a different perspective. If something has changed, then I guess I need to get away for a while. But if we`ll stay as normal, throw jokes and laugh together, then I must say, I`ll just go with the flow. But wherever this may take me, I`ll be happy. Whatever God`s will may lead me, I`ll be happy.

Just Another Letter

14 July 2010

Wednesday, 02:21 AM

Dear You,

Alam mo, sobrang saya ko. Masaya kasi sa wakas nasabi ko na sa`yo. Hindi ko akalain na sa mismong pinakamahalagang araw ng buhay ko pa masasabi `yun sa`yo. Hindi ko `to makakalimutan. Ngayon, napakagaan na ng pakiramdam ko. Masarap talaga ang pakiramdam ng walang itinatago. Salamat. Maraming salamat sa pang-unawa mo. Hindi ko akalain na magiging okay lang sa`yo, na tanggap mo. Ang tanga ko talaga, sana hindi ko na pinatagal pa ito. Sana noon ko pa `to sinabi sa`yo, ng hindi na rin ako nahirapan noon. Pero siguro ganoon talaga, ito yung tamang panahon.

Salamat talaga. Wala. Hindi ko alam yung sasabihin ko. Basta, Masaya ako. Alam ko kasing nandiyan ka pa rin, nandiyan pa rin kayong mga kaibigan ko para sa akin. At `yun nga, sana walang magbago sa atin. At sana, kung may magbago man, para sa ikakabuti at ikakaganda pa ng kung anung mayroon tayo ngayon. Ang sarap isipin na gusto kita. Hindi talaga nagkamali yung pagkakataon na sa lahat ng tao, ikaw yung nagustuhan ko, napakabuti at maunawain mong tao. Hinahangaan kita, salamat.

Pero ngayon, sa totoo lang, may gumugulo na naman sa isip ko. Ngayong nasabi ko na, at officially alam mo na. Iniisip ko kung dapat ko bang bawasan na muna yung pagsusulat at pag-iisip ko ng kung anu-ano paungkol sa`yo para hindi na lumalim pa ito, kung anu pa mhn ito, o hayaan ko na lang kung anong mangyari, kung saan man ako mapunta. Pero hindi rin, eh. Ayaw kong umabot sa point na sobrang mahuhulog ako sa`yo, dahil sa totoo lang ayaw kong masaktan. Ayaw ko ng umiyak. Pero bahala na.

Basta, magkaibigan tayo. Masaya ka at masaya ako. Yun lang ang mahalaga. Basta salamat at hindi mawawala ang paghanga ko sa iyo. Maraming salamat sa lahat. Malaking parte ka ng buhay ko. Salamat talaga, pinasaya mo ako. Siguro nga, dapat bawasan ko na yung mga pagsulat ko. Hanggang sa muli. Mag-iingat ka palagi, ha? At kahit anumang pagdaanan mo, alam kong kaya mo `yan. At kahit anong mangyari, nandito lang ako. Salamat. Hanggang sa muli kong pagsulat.

Love always,

Me

:'(

Akala ko kaya ko na. Hindi eh. Duwag ako. Duwag kasi ako. Kung dati, nagawa ko... ngayon hindi na. Hindi ko kaya. Natatakot ako. Natatakot ako na kapag sinabi ko sa`yo, iiwanan mo lang rin ako. Alam mo kung gaano ko kagusto magkaroon ng kaibigan, matalik na kaibigan. At kahit papaano, sa`yo ko natagpuan `yun. Ayokong mawala yung pinagsamahan natin dahil lang sa kahibangan ko.

Oo gusto kong sabihin para hindi na ako mahirapan, pero hindi pa rin ganu`n kadali para sa akin `to. Natatakot ako, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko kaya. `Di bale, kaya ko pa naman. Kakayanin ko. Malungkot man ako, nagiging masaya rin naman kung minsan, kaya okay lang. Mas mahalaga sa akin yung pinagsamahan natin kaysa sa nararamdaman ko. Baka sa tamang panahon, makakalimutan ko rin `to. Magtiis-tiis na lang muna.

So ngayon, sa akin na lang muna ito. Gusto ko man sanang sabihin sa`yo, pero hindi na lang muna siguro.

I love the way you are; I hate the way I am

Dear You,

Today, I told someone how I feel about you. I told her how you made me feel. I have so much to brag about you `cos you`re such an awesome guy, and you should know that.

I feel sorry for myself for being such a coward not telling you this. But I`m bearing all the heartaches it is giving me, it`s my choice anyways. It`s never easy to sleep since then on. It haunts me not only at night but every time. I can never seem to forget how much I care for you. I care too much that I forget about myself. I may sound stupid but I just want you happy even if that means I have to endure all the pain. I guess my feeling for you is that intense.

You know what? I`m waiting for the day I can finally tell how lucky I am to know you. The day that I can tell how much you have changed my life. Because on the very first day I laid my heart on you, I was never the same. Everything has changed. You made my life more lovely and worth living. You`re the reason why I love waking up and the same reason why I don`t want to sleep.

I wish I can tell you everything. That you`re the one I`m thinking of every time it rains, when I see the stars, the moon, and the sky. You`re always on my mind whenever I see cats, dogs, and butterflies. You`re just on my mind, always.

I badly want to let you know how I feel yet I`m too scared to start. If I only have the courage, then I must be telling you stories that whirl up on my mind for years. You know how much I love to talk and it must be too interesting to hear me talking good stuff about you.

But there are times that I can`t help but to blame myself for liking you. We are friends. I don`t want to break the friendship but I can`t help not to notice you too. You`re too amazing to ignore. You`re too amazing.

I wish I can tell you everything. I`m sorry I won`t be able to finish this. I can`t help not to cry. I hate nights like this. I need someone to talk to. I guess I`ll be telling another person about this. I need advice. A fucking advice. I hope you`re happy. I guess I`m liking you too much.



Love always,

Me

^_________^

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

A Letter

Dear You,

I used to like you 19 months ago. I`ve been in-like with you and no one knows about it... as in no one. I only keep it to myself just because. That was 19 months ago but everything is all clear to me. My admiration for you did not go away ever since.

You`re so adorable and I see you as the perfect guy for every girl, including me. I enjoy every single moment I shared with you. I cherish every conversation we had, may it be through text, when we chat online, or when we talk personally. Yes, you`re the one I can talk to about everything. And you`re the only person that always tell me I`m the best. You keep on telling me how much good I am. You always see the best in me. You`re the only one who does that. And you know how much thankful I am, for everything.

You`re one of the best things in my life. I`m so glad I get to know you. You`re such a wonderful person. Seriously, you`re the top most guy in my list being the most gentleman and kind. Yeah, I don`t know why but I just feel you are. You`re one deep person and that`s one thing I love about you. I confessed this somewhere, I think.

But on the 16th month, things get different. It`s just that, there comes a time that the intense feeling I have for you somehow fades in a way. It`s when that someone joins us in the picture. My world turns around him which I think was not a good thing to do. I did not totally forget about you, it`s just that I don`t feel the same intense feeling I have then, not until now.

After 19 months, I think I`m here again. I`m back again. I`m acting now just like how I act on that first five months. I guess you`re my ultimate guy. This is like a more-than-a-crush-kind-of-feeling-admiration. I wish you all the best and I`m still here, always here. You deserve to be happy, you know. And thanks for always lifting me up and inspiring me. You are the best! : )

Love always,

Me

Who Are You?

How would you feel when someone seems to care for you? When he keeps checking out on you. Saying sweet stuff and all that, how would you feel? And how about if you don`t know who that person was, how would you feel?

It`s an amazing feeling knowing that someone cares about me. Those simple things makes me happy. Asking how am I, how`s my day, am I happy or what, really makes me happy. So whoever you are, even if you`re just tripping on me I would like to thank you. You`re making me happy. Yes, you`re making me happy. : )

Should I Be Happy or Sad?

"Reading isn`t your thing."

The Better Worse

Call me that. : )

I`ve been away for days. I can feel fate`s allowing me to leave everything for a while. Just in time that I have decided the sun decided to let go. Oh, as I thought if ever she can let go. I really want to be alone... I want to think things over. I really want to know why am I being like this and unfortunately, I can`t seem to find the answer, even a clue.

I realized I was never alone. I have never been alone the whole time. He was with me, he never leave me. He`s always there.. here. From the moment I wake up until I get myself to sleep, he`s always here. I always see him in every single thing I do and it`s really hard. I`m really having a hard time dealing with my situation now. I never wanted to be like this. I can`t blame him either, this is not his fault. This is no one`s fault... but yes, I need to bear.

I love this feeling, you know. It`s just that, it`s too hard for me. I feel like bursting out but I don`t know where to go. I feel like everybody`s against me. I want someone I can cry my heart out. This, this is one of the two ways I only know that I can make myself feel better, blogging, telling the www this feeling. Ironically, I`ve been telling the world wide web but they can`t seem to know. No one bothers about me, heh.

How can I get better? Until when will I get better? How long should I endure the pain? I told myself I`ll get better after letting it all go, but it`s not that easy. Words can`t take control. It was like, the more I feel like stopping, the more it gets intense. I don`t know, maybe I`m just overdoing the situation.

Right now? I`m really getting worse. My world`s kinda messed up. I need someone but I`m sticking to be with no one. Yeah. I`ll get through this. My hormones are kinda sucked up that`s why I`m acting like this. Oh jeez, I bet that if I ever get to read this again, I`ll be really going gulong tawa gulong. But yeah, FML now. I`m smiling now. I can do this. Glad I have chocolates with me. Hay, fighting! I need to be better to be the best.

*photo has nothing to do with this post.

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know at all.

There are days that you feel nothing but ordinary about yourself. Getting up at the wrong side of the bed. Darkness over the window pane. A bad hair day. There are days you feel indifferent. It`s just that you feel like you don`t blend in. Those were the days.

You feel beautiful now, don`t you? As you pass by a mirror, you stop and stare on your reflection smiling back at you. You feel beautiful. You start singing your heart out whenever you want to. No matter what kind of voice you have. Others may say something but it don`t matter to you, you`re happy. You feel giddy. You feel like dancing. You feel like you are floating on the thin air. That feeling... that is so beautiful, just like you.

The birds chirping outside make you a happy banana. The lightness you`re feeling is priceless. You`re one happy soul. You get inspired to do things now. You start discovering many things you don`t know you`re good at before. Everyone can see the happiness in you. You`re inspired. Your loved ones start to notice something, something really different. You`ve changed and you have no idea about it. It feels so natural for you, isn`t it?

What happened to you? You`ve really changed, I can see that. You`ve become better now. You`re really happy and I hope you will stay that way, forever. I want to know the reason, please. It must be special. I can feel that it is so important and you love that reason, whatever it may be. But could you please tell me?

What you told me? It was an amazing story. You`re such a sweet, sweet, thing. I never had imagined everything that you just said. I can say now that your reason is one of the best thing that has ever happened to you. You smiled and said, "Yes it is. But I`m thinking, why does this happen to me? This ain`t easy. I never wished for something like this but yeah, I was happy. I was."

I get confused on your answer. What do you mean? You`re happy, you look great. You look perfectly fine. Is there any problem? You looked back, perhaps wiping your tears. "There are many things which you don`t know yet. There are things you may not get to notice but it`s just there, for so long. Look at the sunset, it is so beautiful. It feels really good seeing it, right? People find it amazing but you know what? The sun was never happy. She was never happy because she`s leaving the sky after a great day they have shared. She has to leave the sky and let the moon take care of it. She can`t do anything and so she just sends the stars to accompany her sky. After all those days they have shared and experienced, she has to leave. The sun has to rest her heart all night. The sun may look shiny and bright all day but every night she`s different. She`s distant to the sky. The sun is weeping, yes she is. The sun sets everyday, and the sun is crying every night too, since she`ll be apart from the sky. The sun has her own reasons. And now she has decided... she has to let go. I`m a sucker of sunsets, but when I get to know this? I`ve realized that it is not only us people who`s wearing a mask. Goodbye is not beautiful. Sunsets are goodbyes. I don`t know." I don`t know what to tell you now after you said this. And so I stopped.

No Regrets

I`m happy, yes. I`m happy that finally, I have told him a part of what I`m feeling. This feeling is super great. Yeah, I felt like I really have taken the risk. I have taken this the fun way. I just don`t know what his reaction will be. I hope he`ll appreciate it, like somehow appreciate it. I made my surprise for one whole day, while the other surprise that I`ll give him maybe tomorrow, I made it also for about 2 days. Yeah, I really made those whole heartedly. I`m not expecting something in return. A simple appreciation from him would be more than enough. Okay, so now everything`s getting clearer. Oh, well. I just can`t hide behind all these, eh? I really want to explode `cos I can`t tell this to anybody. So yeah, just to experience that sense of relief again, I`ve done this. Yeah, no regrets please. Whatever happens, happens.

If ever he doesn`t appreciate the video, that will be fine with me. Yes, I`ll definitely be sad but yeah, I can`t force him to like it. All I know is that I made something like this just because I want to. This is my way of telling him that, yeah he`s special. He`s that important to me. He`s one of my closest friends. This is my way, eh? I`m the kind of person who doesn`t go for material things. I`m more of a sentimentalist that`s why I`m applying it also to the people around me. I`m assuming that they`ll love what I love. `Cos yes, if I`m the one who was given this kind of present, I`ll be super thankful. But yeah, we`re all different and I have to accept it. So now, I`m going to sleep and I just don`t know what will happen next. I don`t know if I can call this a good night. Good bye, what?

Life is Like a Boat

Madalas na akong matanong ng ganyang tanong noon pa. Isang tanong na mahirap sagutin. Mahirap kasing mamili, lalo na kung iyon ay dalawang taong mahalaga sa buhay mo. Wala akong gustong piliin, gusto ko pareho. Pero sa buhay, hindi pwedeng laging dalawa. May mga oras talagang dapat mamili ka.

Noon, `pag tinanong ako tungkol du`n, hangga`t maaari hindi ko sasagutin, wala akong pipiliin. Ayaw ko kasi talagang mamili at mas ayokong malaman ng isa na hindi ko siya pinili. Pero sa bawat tanong na nakukuha ko, napapaisip ako. Paano nga kaya? Dapat akong mamili... At aminin ko man o hindi, meron talaga. Siya. Siya kasi hindi ko alam. Basta siya.

Ngunit hindi ko akalaing darating kami sa punto na `yon, sa puntong mangyayari sa totoong buhay yung dating tanong lamang. Hindi ko na nakuhang mag-isip. Silang dalawa, at ako... kaming tatlo. Nangyari ang hindi inaasahan, at parang nagkaroon na rin ng sagot ang tanong nila noon. Hindi ko rin inaaasahan. Hindi ko rin naisip noong mga panahong iyon. Ngayon na lang ulit, dahil may nagpaalala na naman sa akin ng tanong na iyon.

Ang nakakatawang isipin, sa mga tanong nila, siya ang sagot ko. Pero sa totoong pangyayari, yung isa yung tinulungan ko. Napapaisip tuloy ako ngayon, ano nga ba talaga? Nakatakda bang mangyari iyon dalawang taon na ang nakakalipas? Bakit ganoon? Pero kung iisipin ko ngayon, siya rin talaga. Nabulag lang siguro ako sa pagtingin ko noon sa isa. Ewan.

At ngayon ngang may nagtanong na naman sa akin ng parehong tanong, ayaw ko nang sumagot. Ayaw kong diktahan yung sarili ko sa kung ano ang dapat. Bahala na lang. Mangyari na lang ang mangyari. Hindi ko naman gustong may mangyari para lang malaman ko kung ano yung magiging sagot ko, hayaan na lang natin. Pero sa totoo lang, masakit mang isipin, parang may sagot na ako.

An Online Letter

Hello, Mr. Whoeveryouare. You know what? I`m thinking of telling you na. Yeah, I want to tell you but just like before, I`m scared. I want you to know everything I`m feeling. I was like decided to tell you the moment I learned that you`re planning to live out of the country when given a chance. But you know what, that country you want to live in is the same country I want to live in too. Yes, my first choice. And now I`m thinking, what would that possibly be? Coincidence or maybe we`ll be living together on that same country, same place, same home. Yeah, I`m such a fool.

ATM, there are 6 people who knows that I`m liking you. Well, I just don`t know if my count`s accurate. I even don`t know, maybe you`re informed about this too. Yeah, I feel like you know about this, about my feelings towards you. And I really don`t know what to do anymore. What should I do?

Hay. Grabe. Gusto ko na talagang sabihin kaso may pumipigil pa rin, eh? Alam mo `yun. Hindi ko alam kung maaano ka o ano. HAHA. Kasi naman, bakit ikaw pa? Pero DW, wala akong pinagsisisihan, nagtatanong lang. :)

PS. Kung alam mo naman na oh, please pakisabi naman na sa akin.

Love always,

Me

Realizations from 08 April 2010

*Doing what you love makes you the happiest. You may feel tired physically but you will have no regrets of doing it. It is like a supply of drug that helps you stay alive. If there`s passion, I may say, there is success.

*Change. It`s inevitable. It`s contagious. It`s just nice to know that there are still a few people hungry for change. A change for our betterment. Sacrificing themselves makes me want this kind of people. All I hope for is that they`re not deceiving us, that they`re not playing games with us. In our present situation, there`s no room for jokes anymore. We`re close to being helpless. Everyone`s desperate in getting the change we`re all wanting for ages now. Make it real, people. Make it real.

*Everyone`s given choices. I have chosen mine and now choose yours. I may not be able to vote yet but being involve as early as now can do something. If I were to vote, I have my pick. We can practice our rights as early as one, two, three, anyway. I may be minor but I know I can do something. Who knows? This can help us achieve change.

*Loving knows no distance. You love just because, no need for reasons. Having someone you love distant to you is really difficult but knowing you`re enduring all those difficulties makes it clear that you love with all your heart. It`s painful, yes. But once you get through it, it`s nothing but happiness.

*Trust can`t be bought, it`s earned. You can`t get one`s trust too easily. We all must be patient. And once you gain someone`s trust, don`t ever do anything that can break it. `Cos once it`s broken, it will never be the same again. Learn to value the trust that someone gave you, it`s priceless. Get this in mind, not all people can be trusted. Don`t count yourself in with them. Knowing someone trusting you let others know what kind of person you are. It`s precious, take care of that.

*Humans are not robots. We cannot do many things at the same time. You`re not that great. It`s difficult, face it.

Friends, I Love You

I made a video to sum up everything that has happened yesterday. Yeah, I super enjoyed hanging out with my friends, to bits. Thanks to Charlotte for initiating this and I also have to thank myself for allowing this to happen. What? No, I mean, I`m the one who invited these people, y`know. And yeah, thanks everyone for coming and letting me experience such joy and excitement. I told them that we`ll meet at 12 noon but I texted them already as early as 11 AM telling that that I`m at the mall. Why? Because I knew it. I know these people so much that they love being late... always. Too bad they know me that well too that`s why they did not believe. They`re always late, yes. But yeah, I`m their queen. It`s already 1pm and we`re not complete yet. Jeez. Then we had our lunch at about 2pm. Yeah, Karate Kid, the place to be `cos it`s always empty. heehee.
I`m super broke, I only eat Jr. Katsudon, only 75 pesos. :D I also won 50 pesos from Kenneth, `cos yeah I beat him. We want to watch Clash of the Titans but we end up on what`s planned, Babe I Love You. Fuck Sam Milby. So yeah, the movie for me, wasn`t good. It was more of a comedy than a romantic kind of movie. Sorry, but I`m not a fan. :)
Well, the funny thing is, yeah we bought premiere tickets. And as we`re heading the cinema, I forgot that I was holding my camera then the lady guard told me it was prohibited, yes I know, and I need to let her keep that. Sorry but I don`t want too, so I told her I`ll be back, I`ll just give the camera to a friend and all that. Alibi, you know. The truth is, I just put it under my pants. HAHA, Good thing I`m wearing black and that I have a bag to cover up.
As we`re inside the movie house, there are no vacant seats other than the first row. That goddamn row. Fuck the fact it was ever created. I hate to say this but yes, I`m too small for that spot. I can`t seat naturally `cos I won`t be able to see the screen. Yeah, I`m super decided to take another seat. Kenneth wants to transfer too, `cos yeah he`s smaller than me. HAHAHA just kidding. :) I found two vacant seats the row right next to us but there`s a bag on one seat and the lady told me it was occupied. So yeah, I look for other seats and found one on the left side of the theater, I transferred there, alone. And yeah, I was like sitting next to a clingy-PDA-couple. I just don`t mind them but yeah they`re too annoying.
Then yeah, Kenneth did not take it anymore. Guess he can`t watch well so he transferred to the seat next to me. And yeah, he kind of covered the two. And gladly, I`m not alone anymore. The couple leave the movie house earlier so Lou transferred to the seat next to Kenneth so there`s the three of us together.
Rhea came about in the middle part of the movie and so they decided to watch the movie once more. After the movie, we told them to transfer next to us so that we`ll be together on the next screening. We took photos during the break even though we know it`s prohibited. So during the second screening, I told Kenneth and Lou that I`ll be going out to meet Marvin. Yeah, one thing more is that I am not enjoying the movie so might as well, go out. Kenneth joined me `cos I`m his idol, HAHA. We then talked to Marvin like there`s no tomorrow. And we haven`t gone inside since then. We stayed at the movie lounge and yeah, the others went out too.
My Mom`s bugging me to go home and meet her early. It was like about 4 o`clock then. I was scheduled to take my haircut and to visit the tailor that`ll make my dress for my cousin`s wedding. So yeah, it was all canceled because I can`t take leaving my friends and missing out the fun.
We went to Mcdonald`s then Tom`s. We played my most loved sport, hockey shizz. And yeah, as always, it made me more bankrupt. I lost 80 pesos. 40 for Lou, and 20 each for Kenneth and Patrick. Jeez, fuck it. I paid Kenneth 20 while I`ll pay Lou andPatrick via load. So all in all I just lost 30 pesos `cos I won 50 from Kenneth. Aside from getting bankrupt, I ended up getting hurt `cos I was fingered during the game. And yeah my left arm hurts so bad, until now.
But no regrets, I had so much fun. Oh btw, I went home 7 o`clock PM. :) My Mom`s like mad at me for a minute and told me I won`t be able to go out the next day. And sheesh, I was planned to attend a friend`s debut party. Oh life.
As soon as I got home, I headed in front of the computer and do my stuff. I was like offline the whole day and I haven`t updated any of my accounts. My Tita called me on Skype and yeah, we talked. Then my friends bug me to go Skype and do conference. Like seriously, I was so damn busy. I told them, later, later, later. They started about 8:30 and I joined 10:00. We talked until quarter to 12, I think. Yeah, they`re Krystovic, Marvin, and Kenneth. My perv friends, oh I mean, best friends. =)) HAHA. So yeah, all`s fun. I was too busy that I haven`t eaten my dinner. My last meal was my Jr. Katsudon lunch at Karate Kid. I just sip on a hot chocolate before I went to sleep. I sleep at about 3 am. Yeah, I`m a vampire that super fucking bites. :D

EYESORES: You can be the butterflies I feel in my belly

Aannyeonghaseyo! :3 Yay! I was like K-popped the past weeks, you know. I`ve been busy watching series and movies `cos yeah, what should I do? Life gets boring everyday. Anyway, so I was like blogging last night then I decided to watch episodes of You`re Beautiful again. It was like about 3 AM then. But sadly, my Dad woke up and saw me awake still and he`s like, "Why are you still awake, ha? Go sleep." And I was like, "Du`h, get used to it," only to myself. It`s Black Saturday, you know. I need to be tamed.

So my plan to watch was canceled. I just stayed in my room and decided to go doodle. I`m in search for my doodle diary but yeah, it was missing. I`m looking for it for minutes and yeah, I did not get to see it. I super need to find that, it has everything about me and no one should ever read the contents there. I have to find it.

But yes, I can feel my doodler-self saying that she wants to doodle. Okay, call me crazy. No, but seriously, I want to doodle and since my diary`s missing, I ended up doodling on my graphing notebook back in high school. Yeah, I haven`t finished my doodle yet `cos my pens are missing too. Oh life, everything`s been missing. To tell you, the statement I wrote on my doodle-work is this, "I never had the courage to tell you how I feel," come on, what`s up with me again? Chase Coy`s hitting me again.

I was like this on February and then I stopped on March. Now, it`s April... I don`t wanna get back. But what if it gets back? Oh no! Not again. I don`t want to go gaga over him again. HAHA. This can`t be. So yeah, help me get through this. It will only cause trouble and pain. Oh, drama!

Anyway... I just discovered an awesome application on Facebook last night. It was the Eyesores application. It`s like a gift application you can send to your friends but not annoying and way too cool, you know. I super liked it `cos its alienated and monsterized. So me. I send my friends Eyesores, too bad I can`t post it on my own profile. So I just hit my friends a message telling them to please send me Eyesores. HAHA. And just when I woke up today, that`s about 1:30 PM. Yes, I`m a sloth. If I were a Pokemon, I`d be Snorlax. HRHRHR. I checked my Facebook and I got 13 notifications. Yikee, I love! And my friends sent me Eyesores. HAHA I`m so happy, great way to start my day. :)

One more thing to get this post more random... I have a dream, like wuhoo! A very good dream. It includes me and oh, never mind. We`re like three in my dream. (gummymilk and sizzlingkrabbymeat) Okay, that was funny. :)) But yeah, the dream`s too sweet that I don`t wanna be awake anymore. And when i woke up, I was like so kilig and I ended up daydreaming. I continue the story myself. : ) So yeah, stop the randomness. Today is super great. I hope this gets through until tonight. I`ll get to update this later and add more sensible photos than my Tumblr mosaic. HAHA. It`s just that, it`s not connected, you know. :)

Yes, I`m jealous.

Yeah, tweets from my Twitter. Gaah, kasi naman. I was like browsing some photos on Facebook and I just saw this guy and yeah, he has really changed. Grabe, iba talaga. He`s my crush back then and he doesn`t have a clue about it. Like yeah, `cos I was acting normally the whole time, at least for me. And now, my gosh! He has really changed... he`s too handsome now. Yeah, he isn`t cute. He`s handsome. I don`t know maybe because he`s my crush until now or what. I don`t know if it`s my eyes or my mind saying me that he`s really handsome now. Oh, whatever. I`m not the kind of girl who`s taking it just because of the looks anyway. No, definitely not. I don`t care how someone looklike, I`m after his personality and all that shizz. This guy`s just like a so-so back then, and yeah I like him. But now... he`s the bomb. I totally dig!

So much for that, then next on. When I clicked the 'next' button when I was browsing that same album, I saw him, yeah that guy, with another girl. They`re too sweet and all that. Heck, the pain I felt? It sucks. Yeah, I was like struck when I saw that. They`re too sweet but I`m pretty sure she`s not his girlfriend... at least just yet. (I`m smiling, yes.) Though knowing so, I can still feel the pain. Yes, I envy the girl. I feel jealous of her. You can`t blame me. I`m a girl, eh? Just as some other girls are, I wish I was in her place. Call me desperate. Kasi naman. I was not feeling like this just because I can see he`s handsome, I feel this way because, yeah, I like him. And truth be told, a part of me wants to be with him. Aww, sugar.

Summer Bummer, Whatever!

Hay. This is just the first week of vacation and yeah, boredom`s already here. Oh well, I`m not actually bored but I can feel the need of wanting new things to explore. Yes, I can spend the whole vacation right in front of this computer but I need to get a life, you know.

I`m stoked to be on the beach, enjoy the summer`s heat but unfortunately, I`m here at home and cursing the hot weather. Yes, it`s different. Gaah, what`s in store for me this summer, ha? I got no money. Yes, I`m broke. I can`t go out and chill and stuff. What a vacation, bummer.

And I thought, what more if I have no computer? If I have no Photoshop and internet with me? If I have no TV, radio and DVD player? A blender and air-con, maybe? If I got no camera and phone? If I got no pens and notebook? Wow, too hard. Let me die, aye? Fuck life if that happens.

Yeah, the image above is me. That`s me now. Everyday. My routine? I`m awake from 11 AM until 2 to 4 AM. I just stay in front of my computer the whole time that I`m awake. And if not, I`m on the dining table eating or in front of the television watching. Just that. See? Tell me who has a life now? Yeah, but it seems like I`m enjoying it. I just don`t know until when I can stand this. I need money, you know? I need money. Damn it.

I`m a Happy Banana!

I`m happy, you know. The feeling when you can make others happy by doing the things you just simply love... that. Doing favors for others are just simple things and yes, when they start to say they appreciate it and can`t stop thanking you... that.

It`s too nice to know that people appreciate what I do. It`s like, wow. I`m more encourage to continue what I`m doing. Yeah, this is about me loving the arts. It is actually my dream, to become an artist. It is also my first choice on what course to take up in college... anything Multi-media, Music, and Arts related course. But yeah, my parents disagreed and so I ended up taking Accountancy, and now Managerial Accounting.

My course is fine, I`m learning and all that but it`s still different. It`s like I`m doing this just because. Oh well, I`ve passed two years and two years more, I`ll get out of this. I`ll be graduating in two years time and I`ll only be nineteen then. I have enough time to pursue the course I really want to take. Yes, in just two years.

I can`t bore and stuck myself in just books, you know. I`m trying to exercise my skills in Arts... I do this by blogging, taking pictures, do editing, doodling, designing, and all that. I have all the time and chances anyway. I won`t stop just because some people told me so. This is what I love and I must do anything I can to continue doing it. Life gives me choices, and so I take my pick.

This is a great feeling `cos I can feel my worth, I can feel that I`m special, that I am something. People complimenting me and the stuff I do makes me a happy banana. You don`t know how much happy I am to know that I`m so appreciated. I may not feel it before but yeah, I can feel it now. This is a happy life. And yeah, I`m getting more inspired.

Please, Not Now.

Sorry but I`d rather not talk to you now. It` s just that I don`t know what to say. I don`t want to say anything. Maybe I`m just offended... No, I don`t think I`m offended. I really don`t know what I feel. I can`t express what I feel into words. You can`t blame me for being like this, can you? You, from all people should know that. Well, I did not expect you`ll come up to something just like what you did. Yes, I know it`s a joke, to you it was a joke. Everything was like that always. I`m so used to it. It`s kind of different this time. I feel bad, yes. I was kinda hurt. But yeah, I`m good. I`m not angry. I`m not mad. So please understand. I just didn`t expect this. You know, after all my worries and whatnots to you last night, I just did not expect this. Well, I`m not expecting something in return, who am I anyway? But yeah, you`re sorta kind of wrong timing. And I guess that`s the only thing you can blame. We`ll be okay real soon. very, very soon.

March is a Love Month No More

I`ve been some kind of in love the whole month of February but maybe because of the fact that it`s February. I was carried away. I was carried away and I ended up posting stuff about admiration. Posting stuff about him. Posting stuff about my loneliness and struggles. It is not good for me. It is not good for him. It is not good for us.

I was blinded by your sweetness. Your pure sweetness and concern. I take it too much and too much is bad, after all. I should have not felt this way. I should have not seen you more than what you are to me before. I should have been more cautious. I should have been a little less appreciative. I should have stick to the rule. That way, I would be happy now.

It`s a good feeling liking someone. I wake up everyday with a bright smile -- `cos you`re the first thing that cross my mind. I am excited to go to school -- knowing that I`ll be seeing you. I`m inspired to do things -- `cos I know it will please you. I always get online as soon as I reached home -- hoping to have a good conversation with you. I am so happy before I sleep -- tracking the memories we had for the day. I sleep peacefully -- `cos I`m dreaming of you.

You`ve made me a better person. You made me look on the brighter side of the world. You`re an inspiration. And forever you`ll always be. Just my inspiration, forever. That`s the saddest statement I made using two of the most beautiful words: inspiration and forever. Saddest ever.

Thank you for I have discovered more to life. That there are certain things you want to say but better be kept as a secret. Better be kept within yourself. Bravery isn`t always the key to happiness. Sometimes you must be a coward for the sake of everyone`s happiness. It`s better to lost a handful than to lost everything at all.

It`s been months that I lived hiding this feeling from everyone. I hide this also to myself. I`m not ready to know myself that I`m falling for someone I don`t deserve. I`m falling for someone I least expected to. It`s a great feeling yet it still hurts.

This was like a battle with me as the only soldier. I have no one but myself. Everyone`s against me winning the battle. Even the crown is against me. The crown would be the prize and winning will bring me happiness. Though as much as I want to fight, there`s the choice of quitting too. That way, no one would be hurt except you. That way, everybody will be happy except you. And if you only see me now, I`m raising a white flag and I just don`t know what else to do.

If you only knew how much you mean to me. If you only knew how wonderful of a person you are. If you only knew how much you have changed me. But it seems like you`ll not get to know it anymore. If you only knew how hard this is for me not to tell anyone. If you only knew just how bad I feel now while doing this. But you`ll never get to know this anymore. Not at all.

It is not my intention to feel this way. I never wished for this. I have not wished for something like this. I never wished of something that I know would hurt me. Never.

I don`t know what to do after writing this. I don`t know how I should feel either. I don`t know what`s in store for me after this. All I know is that I should end this imagination. I need to wake up from my dream-now-turned-to-nightmare in order to get back to reality. I need to wake up.

I like you. Yes, I really do like you to the bones. I am dying to tell you that I like you but I ended up not doing so. After this, I know I`ll be still liking you. And it will stay only with me, in my heart. I expect for more nights that I will cry to sleep. I expect for more sleepless nights. I expect loneliness. I expect my life to be more like closely of a mess.

Life`s too ironic. Because of someone`s beautiful way of living, someone is also there wanting him and sadly will end up dying. Worry no more, you will never know.

I never learn to say goodbye. And I am not a fan of goodbyes. But I think I`m living just to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to persons who doesn`t even know I said hello.

This is the hardest part. Swearing things. Giving promises. I won`t. I can`t swear not to do things that I know I`m capable doing. I will try my best to avoid and stop doing it, but I really don`t know. We`ll never know what may happen next.

I have to end this now. This is killing me. It`s as if my heart wants to explode. This is a heavy feeling I have to carry myself. I need to find the end `cos I need to stop. I am tired. I am tired of everything. I have always been like this. I always love but never been loved in return. I`m stuck with this forever. I live to die loving.

Today isn`t February and I would leave it just that. February 2010 is a sweet, strange, and a chaotic month for me. I will never forget this. I will never forget you. Thank you for everything. And for the last time, I like you. If you only knew. If you just only knew.

Credits to katherinebaker for the photo

SLEEPLESS

It`s been so many nights now that I can`t sleep. And I hate it. I am running out of things to do. I ended up staring. Staring somewhere far. Staring at the sky. No stars. Full moon. Very lonely. The sky is lonely. The sky is me.

I have no one to talk to. Everyone`s asleep. I am alone. Chase Coy`s songs on the background. Sad songs. Happy songs. Perfect songs for me. He has written it all for me. It`s as if all is written for me. For us.

I`m thinking about everything. Think about something; about someone; about him. About you. Asking myself all the what ifs, could have beens, should have beens. I`m talking to myself. I`m talking to you. I`m imagining that you`re there talking to me too. Lying in bed and talk about things. We`re talking so much that we haven`t noticed the time. Endless. I`m crying and you too. We`re telling things we can`t say to anybody else. It`s a good feeling. I can pour my emotions with nobody else but you.

I cried so much. I cried to sleep. It took me four hours of sleep. You`re not in my dreams. It was a peaceful sleep. I have released everything. I have released it to you. And then I woke up. I`m back to reality and realized that everything is just made by my imagination. All are just my illusion. Desperate illusion. You`re not there. You`re not crying. You`re not talking to me. You`re not with me. But everything I said were all true. It came from my heart. All of it. But I haven`t told you the thing I want to tell you the most. The thing I`m dying to tell you. I plan to tell you that but I have slept. I have slept crying. It`s like the reality. I want to tell you but I can`t. There`s something that stops me to. And that`s why I ended up like this. Torn. Falling apart.

Don`t worry, in time. I`m going to tell you everything. I don`t want regrets come my way. I`ve been liking you so much. Yes, I don`t love you just yet. I like you. And I`m starting to like you more and love you. I want to let you know how good you make me feel. And though you make me feel bad at times too, it is not your fault. You`re wonderful. I hope you know it yourself.

Yes. Just in time.

Alam na!

Mahirap magkwento kapag sinisikreto mo. Dalawa lang yan, pagkayari ng pag-uusap niyo kung hindi mahuhulaan ng kausap mo kung sino yu`n, ikaw na mismo ang gagawa nang ikabubuking mo ng hindi mo namamalayan.

Masarap magkwento sa kaibigan kasi nasasabi mo lahat at makakakuha ka rin ng advice at the same time. Pero paano kung hindi mo kayang sabihin sa mismong mga kaibigan mo? Komplikado. `De sa sarili mo na lang. Pero darating rin yung punto na kailangan mo nang magkwento. Kasi nagsisimula na silang magtanong. At sa panahong nagkwento ka na, `yun na. Patay ka na.

Sikreto nga kasi. Kaya puro second at third person yung ginagamit mo. Ikaw, siya, sila, kayo... Laging ganu`n, hindi pwedeng kami, ako. Laging may salitang 'halimbawa', kunwari.' Mahirap magkwento, maraming pasikut-sikot. Lahat ng karakter sa istorya mo, walang panggalan. Laging paano kung, kung ikaw siya. Magulo. Kumplikado.

At dahil nga sikreto tapos nagsimula ka nang magkwento, maaaliw ka `na. Kasi masarap sa pakiramdam na may napagsabihan ka na. Kaya ayun, nadala ka na, kwento, kwento, at kwento pa. Kahit walang panggalan. Kahit walang pagkakakilanlan.

Sa sobrang kasiyahan mo, hindi mo na namalayan na may mga salita at bagay ka nang nasasabi na nakapagbibigay ng ideya du`n sa kausap mo. Unti-unti nang nagkakamukha yung mga karakter ng istorya mo. Minsan, magsasabi na siya ng panggalan, pero ikaw, todo tanggi naman. Pokerface kumbaga. Parang wala lang. Sige, tuloy pa rin ang kwento.

Alam mo yung nakakabadtrip? `Yun yung tipong patapos na yung kwentuhan tapos may mga bagay na nasabi mong hindi mo inaasahan. Mga bagay na mas nakapagpatibay at nakapagpatotoo na sa kakuwentuhan mo kung sino nga yung mga taong tinutukoy mo. Masaklap. Mapapahiyaw ka talaga. Minsan, sa hiya.

Pero ganu`n talaga. Wala ka nang magagawa. Pakiusapan mo na lang yung nakaalam na kung pwede itago na lang. Nakakaloko pero nakakatuwa pa rin. Kasi, kahit isa may napagsabihan ka na. May nakaalam na. Maluwag sa pakiramdam, hindi ka na kasi nag-iisa. Siguradong may makakakwentuhan ka sa mga posibleng mangyari pa. At isa pa ang tiyak, kapag may nakaaalam pang iba, wala nang ibang may sala kung hindi siya.

Alam mo kung ano yung masaya sa pagkukwento sa mga walang panggalang karakter ng kwento? `Yun yung pagtanggap mo ng mga walang bias na komento galing sa kausap mo. Hindi kasi niya kilala, kaya in general niya tingnan yung sitwasyon, yung kwento. Mas makatotohanan rin tuloy yung mga advice na makukuha mo. Mas makakatulong sa`yo. At mas madalas lalo na kung salungat sa persepsyon mo, mas makakagulo sa isip mo. May second thoughts na, kumbaga. Talagang maguguluhan ka. Anu na nga ba talaga?

xxx

Credits to pizzadreams for the photo

Project 28 8&9/28

This is serious now. I'm on a fucking diet. I started yesterday, yeah with the slimming coffee brrr. I have a cup then a bowl of porridge helped me get through the whole day. And super lots of water. Fruits too! Then at night, I eat dinner with only a tiny cup of rice. hrhrhr. But yeah, I started reviewing and I haven't resist temptation and I ate chips. Just a little. I danced. I slept about 11 pm. This is so not me.

I woke up 6:30 am. Then a cup of coffee again. I did a 30 minute exercise. Then I ate my lunch before going to school, a cup of rice again. Lots of water and fruits. Our professor dismissed us at 4, I went to the mall with Ferry. She owe me a treat and asked me if I want a sundae. I refused though I really want. I told her to buy me a yogurt instead. We stayed at the Food Court and holy cow, I'm drooling. She's eating chips and shake while I'm only eating my yogurt. A friend, Crishabelle came and she has tacos. Oh my. And she's eating right in front of me. Gaah, I really need to stop myself eating those foods, eh? But yeah, Saturday is my reward day so I can get to eat my food cravings. I can't wait.

This is pretty hard. Well yeah, hard. But I'm gonna do this 'cos I want to. I'm not doing this for anybody. I'm not doing this just for the money at stake. I'm doing this for myself and I'm sure this will be a success.

FUCKERIES OF LIFE

22Feb10, 06:23 AM

Rise and shine, people! Oh yes, I'm awake. Last time of being online? 01:38 AM. But I am awake until 02 AM sumfing.Yeah, you totally got it. I don't have a life. I'm stuck with this, like forever.

What's up with about the 5 hours when I'm away? Totally not fine. Yes, I cried. Felt so alone. Damned. Doomed. I had a fight with my dad. And it's like a big fight. There, I found out that I am brave enough and a coward at the same time. I can say things out, yeah, the real things but with my room door closed. Yes, 'cos my father's too mad at me that he want to slap me with slippers and stuff. So yeah, I don't want to be hurt physically, that's why I hide then do the talking. We have exchanged words of fuckeries and stuff. Good way to start a day. Morning again, anyway!

So yeah, I have to attend school at 08:30 AM, I made this while drinking my newly found slimming coffee. Uh-huh, I'm not joking. I'm believing that it can make me slim. Oh please. I'm dead serious now. I want to lose weight. Fuck it. (Oh, and now I put up a fight with my mom. We've been nagging the whole time I write this paragraph.) Beat my family people. My ever-cool family.

So back to the coffee, this will be my first day to drink it, as I have read reviews on the 'net, I so hope this will work for me too. I've mentioned on my past post that I put up a game with 4 of my guy friends about me, losing weight, right? So yeah, I hope this will help me. But of course, I'm gonna help myself too. Oh, wish me luck. I need that.

*My mom's on the background again* Hay, why is my life like this? Oh well, I don't have a life as I say but why do I still feel this way? What should I do to make everything okay? Like srsly serious, I'm too tired of everything. I want to make my fucked up life fixed. Now. Ugh, what about suicide? Hah, joking. I'm not that stupid and desperate to do such act, but I'll consider it still.

I'mma end this now. My mom said, "Wag ka nang aalis diyan. Wala ka ng ginawa. Maghapon, magdamag, madaling araw. Ano ba nagagawa niyan? Sisikat ka ba diyan? Papakainin ka ba niyan?" And now I say, if only I can do so, I'll glue myself here, forever. Shit, I'm doing something. Can't you see? I'm doing something, but not so productively. I blow shits like this everyday. I share my thoughts and crafts to people the way I only know. I made others happy by giving out advices I fail to give myself. I blog about things; Read others' blogs. Oh cyberworld, that keeps me company. I feel alone but with this, I can feel a companion. I can say things, the things I can't say to people. Oh yes, I'm too famous now. I'm known. Try googling my name. And you'll see the shit. It ain't true but it fucked me to the bones. I hate it. Some strangers know me too. And they give a damn stalking me. They're interested with my life, unlike you. Yes, I know there'll be a time that I'll get money from this. And I can buy and eat anything I want. But now, I don't bother at all, 'cos I'm on a diet, JSYK.

GIVE ME A LIFE, PRETTY PLEASE?

Hi. Okay, I'm updating this now with what's happening in real life. Like yeah, real life. Stop the dreaming shizz. I noticed that I flooded this with all the love, war, and heartache related posts. So yeah, this time I'm gonna tell you what really is happening to me. I'm doing this 'cos yes, I never feel this alone again. I'm okay with all the people around me but then, I feel like I can't tell anything to them, that I can't talk to them. So yeah, the problem's within me. One thing, I'm not happy nor sad.. I just feel empty.

School. Oh well, everything's fine. My grades are fine. I'm attending class still. But yeah, I'm not studying the way I study before. It's like I'm going to school for the sake of going to school. I am active, yes. 'Cos I believe I'm smart enough to learn the lessons well. I'm studying all of my subjects but Accounting. I don't know. It's the major subject, I know. And really, it lost my interest. I feel like I'm really not into it. Gaah, I'm afraid that I won't be successful 'cos that's what I want to be, but what should I do? I can't stand that subject, or maybe the teacher? Most likely.

Family. Some kind of fine? I don't know. Sometimes we're fine, sometimes we're not. I'm cool with my family. It's just natural for us to yell and fight. But sometimes I've thought that it's better if my parents will just separate than hear them fight. You know what I mean? I hate it when they're fighting. So better if they just go their separate ways. But I won't be happy either. Kill me. I don't know.

Friends. Fine. Perfectly fine. But yeah, again it's me. The problem, I mean. I don't know, I'm kind of being melodramatic the past months. My friends are so good. They are all awesome and I love them all. But there are times that I feel bad about them. I mean, the simple things. 'Cos I feel bad whenever they forget about me, when they say shitty things about me. Oh well, I'm talking about real friends here, right? I love being with my friends that's why I always set dates with them. One thing I wish for my circle? I hope we'll be more showy, like we can exchange hugs and kisses frequently. Those stuff showing affection. I mean, it feels so good when someone hugs me. I think I need a lot of hugs. But on my circle, we rarely hug. And it's kind of awkward for me, to tell them to hug me everytime. So yeah, I'm super wanting a hug. That way, I won't feel this loneliness.

Love. The shit. Okay, status now? I'm falling. Yeah, srsly. No matter how I stop myself, it just doesn't work. I don't know how he made me feel like this. Well, he has no idea, after all. But yeah, I'm gonna stay this way na lang. I won't let him know 'cos I don't want to fail again. Yeah, I hate failing though I always fail, so yeah I'm kinda used to it. Fuck the Kim and Gerald movie 'cos it made me realize so many things. Before watching that, I've been thinking about a guy friend and after the movie, I start thinking of another. That's a real shit. I mean, love's too fine for me. But sometimes I can't stop thinking that love is really not for me. Love is a failure for me. Like, I'll be stuck with this, like this forever. For real. How lame the life I have, huh? I guess I need to satisfy myself on the love I can see in others. So status again? I'm falling and ready to be hurt again.

What's up with me?

So it's weekend. I have Saturday classes but it was canceled yesterday? You know that shit when you're all ready to go to school? Woke up too early, took your bath and get all dressed-up then someone texted you that the class is canceled. Oh yes, it feels good but fuck it too. Get me?

I stayed up in front of the computer starting 7:30 am. I do stuff. Online. And yeah, start watching a new series. Liar Game. Marathon. I stopped at 5:00 pm. Like yeah, straight. I went to sleep. I woke up 11 pm. Then yeah, get online again. Then go DVD marathon. Sleep at 3:30 am. Then yeah, woke up 12 nn. Went online. And yeah, until now. Yes, that's how I live. I live to do nothing. I don't have a life. My body clock is so fucked up and so am I.

I also need to go on diet. I put a game with my guy friends that I'll be losing an inch in just a month. So yeah, what's up now? I'm eating double. Fuckyeah, I'm not doing anything yet to lose weight. I seriously don't have a life. I'm such a waste. Pretty waste. Oh I'm doing something pala, I'm starting to save money so that I can pay for them. Cos I know I'll be losing. Fuck me. I hate the way I think. You hate me too, don't you?

I have my exam on my major subject on Tuesday and until now, I know nothing. Maybe I'll start reviewing Monday night. Yeah, that's how I review. I will procrastinate first, then do the review on a rush. And it works, though!

So yeah, too much for the nonsense update. I hope I get better. I hate the way I live my life now. Emptiness it is. So yeah, gotta goes.