SAPULKAMO!

Dati, ang dali-dali sabihin ng mga bagay. Kahit `di na pag-isipan, okay lang. Normal lang. Walang malisya. Pero ngayon? Simula nung nalaman kong mayroon na pala talaga, hindi na. Nagbago na. Nakakainis lang, dati kaya natin kahit tayo lang dalawa. Ngayon, hindi na. Nakakailang at lahat kailangan na munang pag-isipan.

Just Another Letter

Dear November,

Good morning and hello, November! :-)

A new month to go through and the second to the last month of this year, 2010. October seems to treat me well, like srsly well that I have welcomed you on a happy state. I know that there`ll be a lot of changes that will happen to me this month. I have to get used to waking up early `cos I have morning classes, same as I have to learn sleeping early at night. And that would be my serious problem, I don`t know how I`ll be able to manage my time. Start of a new semester, new life. I have to work harder. I also need to minimize the use of computer. Well, I just thought.

I wish for the continuity of my happiness. I don`t want to be sad anymore. I don`t want lots of thoughts to cover up my mind. I don`t want my feelings to eat me whole. I don`t want to be on my weakest times again, just like on September. I am wishing for more strength to help me go through everything. I need not to depend on others but to myself. I am wishing not only for the best for myself but also to my loved ones, to the people around me, to my beloved country, and to the world. I am wishing for everything that`s good.

November is a month of celebrations too. My brother`s birthday on the 5th and my mother`s birthday on the 7th. Lots of my friends are going to celebrate their birthdays this month also. Please, bless them.

And now it`s November 1st, All Saint`s Day, 02:40 AM and I`m still awake. I am praying for the souls of all the people who passed away, and their loved ones who they have left. Please bless us all.

This has been my life for how many years and I just want something different, for a change. Please let me discover something wonderful about life and most specially about my existence. I have let go of everything and I am ready to take everything upon God`s will.

I totally feel free now. Just please make me stronger, I don`t want to be eaten up again of my emotions. I have realized that everything has its reason and purpose. If there`s something that is bound to happen, let it be. I won`t wait. I won`t expect. I won`t assume. Not anymore. I`ll just be myself and live the way I am supposed to live. I will live a happy life. Please bless me with a sound mind and heart that will help me make the best decisions. Life is always tough, then I must be tougher. I`ll definitely be the commander of the life I`m living.

As I have to end this, just please bless all the people around me specially my family and friends. I wish them well. November, please let me feel I am loved. Let me feel I am something special. Make me brave. Please help me bring out the best of me. I trust you. And I love you. Until the next 30 days… Good night! :-)

Love always,

Kathleen

Can`t Let Go by Landon Pigg

Too Proud of Myself

Natuwa lang ako. :> Hindi ko ipinost dahil sa kinilig ako or what. Ewan, ang saya lang kasi wala ng efect. HAHAH. I`m into signs and numbers nga kasi, pero IDK why this time, wala akong na-feel. Siguro sign `to na, at last hindi ko na niloloko sarili ko. Dati kasi, sabi lang ako ng sabi, wala na, wala na talaga. Pero ngayon, siguro kahit papaano, paunti-unti.. like gradually, it fades na talaga. And I`m too happy siyempre kasi, okay na ako. Okay na kami. I`d be my usual self na palagi di`ba? Lalo na sa kanya. HAHAH. Dati kasi ilang-ilang pa`ko, eh ngayon okay na. Parang wlang nangyari. Parang natutulog lang, hehe. Kaya ayon masaya lang ako. ^_^

Kahit ilang photos pa ang meron tayo, okay lang. Eh ano naman. Magkaibigan kasi kami. `Yun `yon. This is really happiness, I guess. Happiness with no regrets. :-)

THIS, SAME FEELING

“It was a kiss made in lonely dreams. A kiss that took its time. A kiss that felt so right she couldn’t remember all the reasons it was wrong.”

Susan Elizabeth Phillips (This Heart of Mine)

I MISS NOT HAVING YOU TO TALK TO

But I guess that this is just the way things are supposed to be. I mean, I should be thankful that we still talk, it`s just that, we don`t talk a lot now. We don`t talk that much now. But its totally fine `cos I`m getting used to it now and at least, I don`t feel awkward now. Pretty, pretty normal. It`s like its slowly fading everyday. And I`m happy. I said, I`m getting there. But yeah, I miss talking to you.

Getting There

If this is before, then they will all be should have beens, could have beens, might have beens, and must have beens. But since, I think I have put my thoughts into actions... that I am over and done with that, finally... everything that had happened is just usual and pretty normal. I have no malicious thoughts of some sort now. It was all plain and yeah, normal. And I`m happy and too proud of myself. Heehee.
I just love how everything is going now. It feels like they are all going back to place. I`m so thankful. This life. <3

:'(

Napaka-makasalanan ko. :-(

Hindi ko naman akalain na aabot sa ganito pero kasalanan ko talaga.

Hindi ko man sinasadya pero kasalanan ko talaga.

Dapat kasi hindi na lang.

Dapat una palang, tinigilan ko na.

Dapat noon pa lang, lumugar na ako sa dapat kong kalagyan.

Sana hindi na umabot sa ganito.

Sana hindi na nagyari yung mga nangyari na.

Sana hindi na basta.

Hay. Ewan.

Nakakalungkot.

Nakakaiyak.

;___;

It`s too sad when no one remembers. It makes me think I`m alone. Yes, I`m more of a loner but I still long for thoughts from other people. A simple "What`s up?" would be enough. But I think I`m receiving none the past days. I`m receiving none in the days when I needed it the most. I`ve been sick the past days, the kind of sickness that feels like it`s the end of the world for me. Yeah, srsly. I`ve been experiencing tremendous headache and body pain. My body temperature`s getting higher everyday. I`m not eating the way I used to eat since Friday. I can`t get to explain everything, you know. Basta, I`m sick.

And what saddens me is the that, my friends don`t bother asking how am I and all that. I felt like I`m dying, you know. And if ever I die, I think they`ll never know. It doesn`t interest them in anyway. Oh and there are some friends who would occasionally ask how am I, but then there`d be, oh can you please bring this and that. Oh, fuck you. Better not ask me at all.

And tomorrow, we`ll go to the Doctor again. Oh, please. I know this is not Dengue. I don`t want to die early. Yeah, I`ve been crying everytime it gets on my mind, like what if I have Dengue? No, please no. I hope I`ll get better na `cos I`m feeling really, really weak and I hate that.

Gotta go, my Mom`s yelling at me, heh. I need to rest.

There`s No Title Perfect For This. My Life`s a Blur

I knew it. We`ll never be the same. Sorry, I fucked up. Sorry, I went beyond my limitation. Sorry, for being so dumb and stupid for giving in. I`m sorry it turned out this way. I`m sorry. I`m sorry. I`m sorry.

I told myself I need to stop this. I need to stop thinking. Stop write something here and there. I need to stop everything. But I`m sorry, I failed again. I need to release everything. It was this blog, I think is the most safest place I can run in to.

I thought that by the time you`ve learned about everything, I`ll be okay. But I think I`m not. This feeling is eating me up. I don`t know if it`s just me but yeah, I think you`ve changed. We have changed.

I`ve been online the whole day, and I have seen you getting online and offline. It was that, I`m not used to us, not chatting you know. I know I have no right to demand or anything but that`s how it used to be before, eh? We have not talked since I told you how I feel. And that disturbs me, you know. I know we`re friends and I assume nothing has to change. But yeah, I can feel the change now.

I never want to lose you. I don`t want to lose someone like you. You`re one in a million and I swear that I will do my fucking best just to bring back the way we used to be. I`ll do my best to set aside my feelings. If you only knew how sorry I am. Sometimes, I think I should have not felt this way but I will never ever regret the day I start to like you. I mean, I may feel sad at times but it`s not a reason for me to regret you. It`s fine, this is what I want then I should face the consequences. But honestly, I think I`m hurting too much.

But I should take this in mind, that this is what I want. I did exactly what I want. And I must be ready about everything next to it. I should be happy instead for doing what I want. If it takes me to be sad, then I`ll take it open-armed. I may be sad now but I know I'll be happy again. It may take a little time but at least I will be happy soon. I wish for your happiness also. I`m praying that at least you can sleep soundly every night. I wish you are not feeling the way I`m feeling now. I wish that you`d get better. I`m always praying your safety. I'm wishing for everything that you wanted to be. And I`m wishing for a peace in mind and happiness, nothing more, nothing less.

Tomorrow. I`m waiting for the last sign. If I feel the awkwardness and the change between the two of us then I must really take sometime away from everything and start to look at a different perspective. If something has changed, then I guess I need to get away for a while. But if we`ll stay as normal, throw jokes and laugh together, then I must say, I`ll just go with the flow. But wherever this may take me, I`ll be happy. Whatever God`s will may lead me, I`ll be happy.

Just Another Letter

14 July 2010

Wednesday, 02:21 AM

Dear You,

Alam mo, sobrang saya ko. Masaya kasi sa wakas nasabi ko na sa`yo. Hindi ko akalain na sa mismong pinakamahalagang araw ng buhay ko pa masasabi `yun sa`yo. Hindi ko `to makakalimutan. Ngayon, napakagaan na ng pakiramdam ko. Masarap talaga ang pakiramdam ng walang itinatago. Salamat. Maraming salamat sa pang-unawa mo. Hindi ko akalain na magiging okay lang sa`yo, na tanggap mo. Ang tanga ko talaga, sana hindi ko na pinatagal pa ito. Sana noon ko pa `to sinabi sa`yo, ng hindi na rin ako nahirapan noon. Pero siguro ganoon talaga, ito yung tamang panahon.

Salamat talaga. Wala. Hindi ko alam yung sasabihin ko. Basta, Masaya ako. Alam ko kasing nandiyan ka pa rin, nandiyan pa rin kayong mga kaibigan ko para sa akin. At `yun nga, sana walang magbago sa atin. At sana, kung may magbago man, para sa ikakabuti at ikakaganda pa ng kung anung mayroon tayo ngayon. Ang sarap isipin na gusto kita. Hindi talaga nagkamali yung pagkakataon na sa lahat ng tao, ikaw yung nagustuhan ko, napakabuti at maunawain mong tao. Hinahangaan kita, salamat.

Pero ngayon, sa totoo lang, may gumugulo na naman sa isip ko. Ngayong nasabi ko na, at officially alam mo na. Iniisip ko kung dapat ko bang bawasan na muna yung pagsusulat at pag-iisip ko ng kung anu-ano paungkol sa`yo para hindi na lumalim pa ito, kung anu pa mhn ito, o hayaan ko na lang kung anong mangyari, kung saan man ako mapunta. Pero hindi rin, eh. Ayaw kong umabot sa point na sobrang mahuhulog ako sa`yo, dahil sa totoo lang ayaw kong masaktan. Ayaw ko ng umiyak. Pero bahala na.

Basta, magkaibigan tayo. Masaya ka at masaya ako. Yun lang ang mahalaga. Basta salamat at hindi mawawala ang paghanga ko sa iyo. Maraming salamat sa lahat. Malaking parte ka ng buhay ko. Salamat talaga, pinasaya mo ako. Siguro nga, dapat bawasan ko na yung mga pagsulat ko. Hanggang sa muli. Mag-iingat ka palagi, ha? At kahit anumang pagdaanan mo, alam kong kaya mo `yan. At kahit anong mangyari, nandito lang ako. Salamat. Hanggang sa muli kong pagsulat.

Love always,

Me

:'(

Akala ko kaya ko na. Hindi eh. Duwag ako. Duwag kasi ako. Kung dati, nagawa ko... ngayon hindi na. Hindi ko kaya. Natatakot ako. Natatakot ako na kapag sinabi ko sa`yo, iiwanan mo lang rin ako. Alam mo kung gaano ko kagusto magkaroon ng kaibigan, matalik na kaibigan. At kahit papaano, sa`yo ko natagpuan `yun. Ayokong mawala yung pinagsamahan natin dahil lang sa kahibangan ko.

Oo gusto kong sabihin para hindi na ako mahirapan, pero hindi pa rin ganu`n kadali para sa akin `to. Natatakot ako, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko kaya. `Di bale, kaya ko pa naman. Kakayanin ko. Malungkot man ako, nagiging masaya rin naman kung minsan, kaya okay lang. Mas mahalaga sa akin yung pinagsamahan natin kaysa sa nararamdaman ko. Baka sa tamang panahon, makakalimutan ko rin `to. Magtiis-tiis na lang muna.

So ngayon, sa akin na lang muna ito. Gusto ko man sanang sabihin sa`yo, pero hindi na lang muna siguro.

I love the way you are; I hate the way I am

Dear You,

Today, I told someone how I feel about you. I told her how you made me feel. I have so much to brag about you `cos you`re such an awesome guy, and you should know that.

I feel sorry for myself for being such a coward not telling you this. But I`m bearing all the heartaches it is giving me, it`s my choice anyways. It`s never easy to sleep since then on. It haunts me not only at night but every time. I can never seem to forget how much I care for you. I care too much that I forget about myself. I may sound stupid but I just want you happy even if that means I have to endure all the pain. I guess my feeling for you is that intense.

You know what? I`m waiting for the day I can finally tell how lucky I am to know you. The day that I can tell how much you have changed my life. Because on the very first day I laid my heart on you, I was never the same. Everything has changed. You made my life more lovely and worth living. You`re the reason why I love waking up and the same reason why I don`t want to sleep.

I wish I can tell you everything. That you`re the one I`m thinking of every time it rains, when I see the stars, the moon, and the sky. You`re always on my mind whenever I see cats, dogs, and butterflies. You`re just on my mind, always.

I badly want to let you know how I feel yet I`m too scared to start. If I only have the courage, then I must be telling you stories that whirl up on my mind for years. You know how much I love to talk and it must be too interesting to hear me talking good stuff about you.

But there are times that I can`t help but to blame myself for liking you. We are friends. I don`t want to break the friendship but I can`t help not to notice you too. You`re too amazing to ignore. You`re too amazing.

I wish I can tell you everything. I`m sorry I won`t be able to finish this. I can`t help not to cry. I hate nights like this. I need someone to talk to. I guess I`ll be telling another person about this. I need advice. A fucking advice. I hope you`re happy. I guess I`m liking you too much.



Love always,

Me

^_________^

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

A Letter

Dear You,

I used to like you 19 months ago. I`ve been in-like with you and no one knows about it... as in no one. I only keep it to myself just because. That was 19 months ago but everything is all clear to me. My admiration for you did not go away ever since.

You`re so adorable and I see you as the perfect guy for every girl, including me. I enjoy every single moment I shared with you. I cherish every conversation we had, may it be through text, when we chat online, or when we talk personally. Yes, you`re the one I can talk to about everything. And you`re the only person that always tell me I`m the best. You keep on telling me how much good I am. You always see the best in me. You`re the only one who does that. And you know how much thankful I am, for everything.

You`re one of the best things in my life. I`m so glad I get to know you. You`re such a wonderful person. Seriously, you`re the top most guy in my list being the most gentleman and kind. Yeah, I don`t know why but I just feel you are. You`re one deep person and that`s one thing I love about you. I confessed this somewhere, I think.

But on the 16th month, things get different. It`s just that, there comes a time that the intense feeling I have for you somehow fades in a way. It`s when that someone joins us in the picture. My world turns around him which I think was not a good thing to do. I did not totally forget about you, it`s just that I don`t feel the same intense feeling I have then, not until now.

After 19 months, I think I`m here again. I`m back again. I`m acting now just like how I act on that first five months. I guess you`re my ultimate guy. This is like a more-than-a-crush-kind-of-feeling-admiration. I wish you all the best and I`m still here, always here. You deserve to be happy, you know. And thanks for always lifting me up and inspiring me. You are the best! : )

Love always,

Me

Who Are You?

How would you feel when someone seems to care for you? When he keeps checking out on you. Saying sweet stuff and all that, how would you feel? And how about if you don`t know who that person was, how would you feel?

It`s an amazing feeling knowing that someone cares about me. Those simple things makes me happy. Asking how am I, how`s my day, am I happy or what, really makes me happy. So whoever you are, even if you`re just tripping on me I would like to thank you. You`re making me happy. Yes, you`re making me happy. : )

Should I Be Happy or Sad?

"Reading isn`t your thing."

The Better Worse

Call me that. : )

I`ve been away for days. I can feel fate`s allowing me to leave everything for a while. Just in time that I have decided the sun decided to let go. Oh, as I thought if ever she can let go. I really want to be alone... I want to think things over. I really want to know why am I being like this and unfortunately, I can`t seem to find the answer, even a clue.

I realized I was never alone. I have never been alone the whole time. He was with me, he never leave me. He`s always there.. here. From the moment I wake up until I get myself to sleep, he`s always here. I always see him in every single thing I do and it`s really hard. I`m really having a hard time dealing with my situation now. I never wanted to be like this. I can`t blame him either, this is not his fault. This is no one`s fault... but yes, I need to bear.

I love this feeling, you know. It`s just that, it`s too hard for me. I feel like bursting out but I don`t know where to go. I feel like everybody`s against me. I want someone I can cry my heart out. This, this is one of the two ways I only know that I can make myself feel better, blogging, telling the www this feeling. Ironically, I`ve been telling the world wide web but they can`t seem to know. No one bothers about me, heh.

How can I get better? Until when will I get better? How long should I endure the pain? I told myself I`ll get better after letting it all go, but it`s not that easy. Words can`t take control. It was like, the more I feel like stopping, the more it gets intense. I don`t know, maybe I`m just overdoing the situation.

Right now? I`m really getting worse. My world`s kinda messed up. I need someone but I`m sticking to be with no one. Yeah. I`ll get through this. My hormones are kinda sucked up that`s why I`m acting like this. Oh jeez, I bet that if I ever get to read this again, I`ll be really going gulong tawa gulong. But yeah, FML now. I`m smiling now. I can do this. Glad I have chocolates with me. Hay, fighting! I need to be better to be the best.

*photo has nothing to do with this post.

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know at all.

There are days that you feel nothing but ordinary about yourself. Getting up at the wrong side of the bed. Darkness over the window pane. A bad hair day. There are days you feel indifferent. It`s just that you feel like you don`t blend in. Those were the days.

You feel beautiful now, don`t you? As you pass by a mirror, you stop and stare on your reflection smiling back at you. You feel beautiful. You start singing your heart out whenever you want to. No matter what kind of voice you have. Others may say something but it don`t matter to you, you`re happy. You feel giddy. You feel like dancing. You feel like you are floating on the thin air. That feeling... that is so beautiful, just like you.

The birds chirping outside make you a happy banana. The lightness you`re feeling is priceless. You`re one happy soul. You get inspired to do things now. You start discovering many things you don`t know you`re good at before. Everyone can see the happiness in you. You`re inspired. Your loved ones start to notice something, something really different. You`ve changed and you have no idea about it. It feels so natural for you, isn`t it?

What happened to you? You`ve really changed, I can see that. You`ve become better now. You`re really happy and I hope you will stay that way, forever. I want to know the reason, please. It must be special. I can feel that it is so important and you love that reason, whatever it may be. But could you please tell me?

What you told me? It was an amazing story. You`re such a sweet, sweet, thing. I never had imagined everything that you just said. I can say now that your reason is one of the best thing that has ever happened to you. You smiled and said, "Yes it is. But I`m thinking, why does this happen to me? This ain`t easy. I never wished for something like this but yeah, I was happy. I was."

I get confused on your answer. What do you mean? You`re happy, you look great. You look perfectly fine. Is there any problem? You looked back, perhaps wiping your tears. "There are many things which you don`t know yet. There are things you may not get to notice but it`s just there, for so long. Look at the sunset, it is so beautiful. It feels really good seeing it, right? People find it amazing but you know what? The sun was never happy. She was never happy because she`s leaving the sky after a great day they have shared. She has to leave the sky and let the moon take care of it. She can`t do anything and so she just sends the stars to accompany her sky. After all those days they have shared and experienced, she has to leave. The sun has to rest her heart all night. The sun may look shiny and bright all day but every night she`s different. She`s distant to the sky. The sun is weeping, yes she is. The sun sets everyday, and the sun is crying every night too, since she`ll be apart from the sky. The sun has her own reasons. And now she has decided... she has to let go. I`m a sucker of sunsets, but when I get to know this? I`ve realized that it is not only us people who`s wearing a mask. Goodbye is not beautiful. Sunsets are goodbyes. I don`t know." I don`t know what to tell you now after you said this. And so I stopped.