SLEEPLESS

It`s been so many nights now that I can`t sleep. And I hate it. I am running out of things to do. I ended up staring. Staring somewhere far. Staring at the sky. No stars. Full moon. Very lonely. The sky is lonely. The sky is me.

I have no one to talk to. Everyone`s asleep. I am alone. Chase Coy`s songs on the background. Sad songs. Happy songs. Perfect songs for me. He has written it all for me. It`s as if all is written for me. For us.

I`m thinking about everything. Think about something; about someone; about him. About you. Asking myself all the what ifs, could have beens, should have beens. I`m talking to myself. I`m talking to you. I`m imagining that you`re there talking to me too. Lying in bed and talk about things. We`re talking so much that we haven`t noticed the time. Endless. I`m crying and you too. We`re telling things we can`t say to anybody else. It`s a good feeling. I can pour my emotions with nobody else but you.

I cried so much. I cried to sleep. It took me four hours of sleep. You`re not in my dreams. It was a peaceful sleep. I have released everything. I have released it to you. And then I woke up. I`m back to reality and realized that everything is just made by my imagination. All are just my illusion. Desperate illusion. You`re not there. You`re not crying. You`re not talking to me. You`re not with me. But everything I said were all true. It came from my heart. All of it. But I haven`t told you the thing I want to tell you the most. The thing I`m dying to tell you. I plan to tell you that but I have slept. I have slept crying. It`s like the reality. I want to tell you but I can`t. There`s something that stops me to. And that`s why I ended up like this. Torn. Falling apart.

Don`t worry, in time. I`m going to tell you everything. I don`t want regrets come my way. I`ve been liking you so much. Yes, I don`t love you just yet. I like you. And I`m starting to like you more and love you. I want to let you know how good you make me feel. And though you make me feel bad at times too, it is not your fault. You`re wonderful. I hope you know it yourself.

Yes. Just in time.

Alam na!

Mahirap magkwento kapag sinisikreto mo. Dalawa lang yan, pagkayari ng pag-uusap niyo kung hindi mahuhulaan ng kausap mo kung sino yu`n, ikaw na mismo ang gagawa nang ikabubuking mo ng hindi mo namamalayan.

Masarap magkwento sa kaibigan kasi nasasabi mo lahat at makakakuha ka rin ng advice at the same time. Pero paano kung hindi mo kayang sabihin sa mismong mga kaibigan mo? Komplikado. `De sa sarili mo na lang. Pero darating rin yung punto na kailangan mo nang magkwento. Kasi nagsisimula na silang magtanong. At sa panahong nagkwento ka na, `yun na. Patay ka na.

Sikreto nga kasi. Kaya puro second at third person yung ginagamit mo. Ikaw, siya, sila, kayo... Laging ganu`n, hindi pwedeng kami, ako. Laging may salitang 'halimbawa', kunwari.' Mahirap magkwento, maraming pasikut-sikot. Lahat ng karakter sa istorya mo, walang panggalan. Laging paano kung, kung ikaw siya. Magulo. Kumplikado.

At dahil nga sikreto tapos nagsimula ka nang magkwento, maaaliw ka `na. Kasi masarap sa pakiramdam na may napagsabihan ka na. Kaya ayun, nadala ka na, kwento, kwento, at kwento pa. Kahit walang panggalan. Kahit walang pagkakakilanlan.

Sa sobrang kasiyahan mo, hindi mo na namalayan na may mga salita at bagay ka nang nasasabi na nakapagbibigay ng ideya du`n sa kausap mo. Unti-unti nang nagkakamukha yung mga karakter ng istorya mo. Minsan, magsasabi na siya ng panggalan, pero ikaw, todo tanggi naman. Pokerface kumbaga. Parang wala lang. Sige, tuloy pa rin ang kwento.

Alam mo yung nakakabadtrip? `Yun yung tipong patapos na yung kwentuhan tapos may mga bagay na nasabi mong hindi mo inaasahan. Mga bagay na mas nakapagpatibay at nakapagpatotoo na sa kakuwentuhan mo kung sino nga yung mga taong tinutukoy mo. Masaklap. Mapapahiyaw ka talaga. Minsan, sa hiya.

Pero ganu`n talaga. Wala ka nang magagawa. Pakiusapan mo na lang yung nakaalam na kung pwede itago na lang. Nakakaloko pero nakakatuwa pa rin. Kasi, kahit isa may napagsabihan ka na. May nakaalam na. Maluwag sa pakiramdam, hindi ka na kasi nag-iisa. Siguradong may makakakwentuhan ka sa mga posibleng mangyari pa. At isa pa ang tiyak, kapag may nakaaalam pang iba, wala nang ibang may sala kung hindi siya.

Alam mo kung ano yung masaya sa pagkukwento sa mga walang panggalang karakter ng kwento? `Yun yung pagtanggap mo ng mga walang bias na komento galing sa kausap mo. Hindi kasi niya kilala, kaya in general niya tingnan yung sitwasyon, yung kwento. Mas makatotohanan rin tuloy yung mga advice na makukuha mo. Mas makakatulong sa`yo. At mas madalas lalo na kung salungat sa persepsyon mo, mas makakagulo sa isip mo. May second thoughts na, kumbaga. Talagang maguguluhan ka. Anu na nga ba talaga?

xxx

Credits to pizzadreams for the photo

Project 28 8&9/28

This is serious now. I'm on a fucking diet. I started yesterday, yeah with the slimming coffee brrr. I have a cup then a bowl of porridge helped me get through the whole day. And super lots of water. Fruits too! Then at night, I eat dinner with only a tiny cup of rice. hrhrhr. But yeah, I started reviewing and I haven't resist temptation and I ate chips. Just a little. I danced. I slept about 11 pm. This is so not me.

I woke up 6:30 am. Then a cup of coffee again. I did a 30 minute exercise. Then I ate my lunch before going to school, a cup of rice again. Lots of water and fruits. Our professor dismissed us at 4, I went to the mall with Ferry. She owe me a treat and asked me if I want a sundae. I refused though I really want. I told her to buy me a yogurt instead. We stayed at the Food Court and holy cow, I'm drooling. She's eating chips and shake while I'm only eating my yogurt. A friend, Crishabelle came and she has tacos. Oh my. And she's eating right in front of me. Gaah, I really need to stop myself eating those foods, eh? But yeah, Saturday is my reward day so I can get to eat my food cravings. I can't wait.

This is pretty hard. Well yeah, hard. But I'm gonna do this 'cos I want to. I'm not doing this for anybody. I'm not doing this just for the money at stake. I'm doing this for myself and I'm sure this will be a success.