Please, Not Now.

Sorry but I`d rather not talk to you now. It` s just that I don`t know what to say. I don`t want to say anything. Maybe I`m just offended... No, I don`t think I`m offended. I really don`t know what I feel. I can`t express what I feel into words. You can`t blame me for being like this, can you? You, from all people should know that. Well, I did not expect you`ll come up to something just like what you did. Yes, I know it`s a joke, to you it was a joke. Everything was like that always. I`m so used to it. It`s kind of different this time. I feel bad, yes. I was kinda hurt. But yeah, I`m good. I`m not angry. I`m not mad. So please understand. I just didn`t expect this. You know, after all my worries and whatnots to you last night, I just did not expect this. Well, I`m not expecting something in return, who am I anyway? But yeah, you`re sorta kind of wrong timing. And I guess that`s the only thing you can blame. We`ll be okay real soon. very, very soon.

March is a Love Month No More

I`ve been some kind of in love the whole month of February but maybe because of the fact that it`s February. I was carried away. I was carried away and I ended up posting stuff about admiration. Posting stuff about him. Posting stuff about my loneliness and struggles. It is not good for me. It is not good for him. It is not good for us.

I was blinded by your sweetness. Your pure sweetness and concern. I take it too much and too much is bad, after all. I should have not felt this way. I should have not seen you more than what you are to me before. I should have been more cautious. I should have been a little less appreciative. I should have stick to the rule. That way, I would be happy now.

It`s a good feeling liking someone. I wake up everyday with a bright smile -- `cos you`re the first thing that cross my mind. I am excited to go to school -- knowing that I`ll be seeing you. I`m inspired to do things -- `cos I know it will please you. I always get online as soon as I reached home -- hoping to have a good conversation with you. I am so happy before I sleep -- tracking the memories we had for the day. I sleep peacefully -- `cos I`m dreaming of you.

You`ve made me a better person. You made me look on the brighter side of the world. You`re an inspiration. And forever you`ll always be. Just my inspiration, forever. That`s the saddest statement I made using two of the most beautiful words: inspiration and forever. Saddest ever.

Thank you for I have discovered more to life. That there are certain things you want to say but better be kept as a secret. Better be kept within yourself. Bravery isn`t always the key to happiness. Sometimes you must be a coward for the sake of everyone`s happiness. It`s better to lost a handful than to lost everything at all.

It`s been months that I lived hiding this feeling from everyone. I hide this also to myself. I`m not ready to know myself that I`m falling for someone I don`t deserve. I`m falling for someone I least expected to. It`s a great feeling yet it still hurts.

This was like a battle with me as the only soldier. I have no one but myself. Everyone`s against me winning the battle. Even the crown is against me. The crown would be the prize and winning will bring me happiness. Though as much as I want to fight, there`s the choice of quitting too. That way, no one would be hurt except you. That way, everybody will be happy except you. And if you only see me now, I`m raising a white flag and I just don`t know what else to do.

If you only knew how much you mean to me. If you only knew how wonderful of a person you are. If you only knew how much you have changed me. But it seems like you`ll not get to know it anymore. If you only knew how hard this is for me not to tell anyone. If you only knew just how bad I feel now while doing this. But you`ll never get to know this anymore. Not at all.

It is not my intention to feel this way. I never wished for this. I have not wished for something like this. I never wished of something that I know would hurt me. Never.

I don`t know what to do after writing this. I don`t know how I should feel either. I don`t know what`s in store for me after this. All I know is that I should end this imagination. I need to wake up from my dream-now-turned-to-nightmare in order to get back to reality. I need to wake up.

I like you. Yes, I really do like you to the bones. I am dying to tell you that I like you but I ended up not doing so. After this, I know I`ll be still liking you. And it will stay only with me, in my heart. I expect for more nights that I will cry to sleep. I expect for more sleepless nights. I expect loneliness. I expect my life to be more like closely of a mess.

Life`s too ironic. Because of someone`s beautiful way of living, someone is also there wanting him and sadly will end up dying. Worry no more, you will never know.

I never learn to say goodbye. And I am not a fan of goodbyes. But I think I`m living just to say goodbye. Saying goodbye to persons who doesn`t even know I said hello.

This is the hardest part. Swearing things. Giving promises. I won`t. I can`t swear not to do things that I know I`m capable doing. I will try my best to avoid and stop doing it, but I really don`t know. We`ll never know what may happen next.

I have to end this now. This is killing me. It`s as if my heart wants to explode. This is a heavy feeling I have to carry myself. I need to find the end `cos I need to stop. I am tired. I am tired of everything. I have always been like this. I always love but never been loved in return. I`m stuck with this forever. I live to die loving.

Today isn`t February and I would leave it just that. February 2010 is a sweet, strange, and a chaotic month for me. I will never forget this. I will never forget you. Thank you for everything. And for the last time, I like you. If you only knew. If you just only knew.

Credits to katherinebaker for the photo