SLEEPLESS

It`s been so many nights now that I can`t sleep. And I hate it. I am running out of things to do. I ended up staring. Staring somewhere far. Staring at the sky. No stars. Full moon. Very lonely. The sky is lonely. The sky is me.

I have no one to talk to. Everyone`s asleep. I am alone. Chase Coy`s songs on the background. Sad songs. Happy songs. Perfect songs for me. He has written it all for me. It`s as if all is written for me. For us.

I`m thinking about everything. Think about something; about someone; about him. About you. Asking myself all the what ifs, could have beens, should have beens. I`m talking to myself. I`m talking to you. I`m imagining that you`re there talking to me too. Lying in bed and talk about things. We`re talking so much that we haven`t noticed the time. Endless. I`m crying and you too. We`re telling things we can`t say to anybody else. It`s a good feeling. I can pour my emotions with nobody else but you.

I cried so much. I cried to sleep. It took me four hours of sleep. You`re not in my dreams. It was a peaceful sleep. I have released everything. I have released it to you. And then I woke up. I`m back to reality and realized that everything is just made by my imagination. All are just my illusion. Desperate illusion. You`re not there. You`re not crying. You`re not talking to me. You`re not with me. But everything I said were all true. It came from my heart. All of it. But I haven`t told you the thing I want to tell you the most. The thing I`m dying to tell you. I plan to tell you that but I have slept. I have slept crying. It`s like the reality. I want to tell you but I can`t. There`s something that stops me to. And that`s why I ended up like this. Torn. Falling apart.

Don`t worry, in time. I`m going to tell you everything. I don`t want regrets come my way. I`ve been liking you so much. Yes, I don`t love you just yet. I like you. And I`m starting to like you more and love you. I want to let you know how good you make me feel. And though you make me feel bad at times too, it is not your fault. You`re wonderful. I hope you know it yourself.

Yes. Just in time.

Alam na!

Mahirap magkwento kapag sinisikreto mo. Dalawa lang yan, pagkayari ng pag-uusap niyo kung hindi mahuhulaan ng kausap mo kung sino yu`n, ikaw na mismo ang gagawa nang ikabubuking mo ng hindi mo namamalayan.

Masarap magkwento sa kaibigan kasi nasasabi mo lahat at makakakuha ka rin ng advice at the same time. Pero paano kung hindi mo kayang sabihin sa mismong mga kaibigan mo? Komplikado. `De sa sarili mo na lang. Pero darating rin yung punto na kailangan mo nang magkwento. Kasi nagsisimula na silang magtanong. At sa panahong nagkwento ka na, `yun na. Patay ka na.

Sikreto nga kasi. Kaya puro second at third person yung ginagamit mo. Ikaw, siya, sila, kayo... Laging ganu`n, hindi pwedeng kami, ako. Laging may salitang 'halimbawa', kunwari.' Mahirap magkwento, maraming pasikut-sikot. Lahat ng karakter sa istorya mo, walang panggalan. Laging paano kung, kung ikaw siya. Magulo. Kumplikado.

At dahil nga sikreto tapos nagsimula ka nang magkwento, maaaliw ka `na. Kasi masarap sa pakiramdam na may napagsabihan ka na. Kaya ayun, nadala ka na, kwento, kwento, at kwento pa. Kahit walang panggalan. Kahit walang pagkakakilanlan.

Sa sobrang kasiyahan mo, hindi mo na namalayan na may mga salita at bagay ka nang nasasabi na nakapagbibigay ng ideya du`n sa kausap mo. Unti-unti nang nagkakamukha yung mga karakter ng istorya mo. Minsan, magsasabi na siya ng panggalan, pero ikaw, todo tanggi naman. Pokerface kumbaga. Parang wala lang. Sige, tuloy pa rin ang kwento.

Alam mo yung nakakabadtrip? `Yun yung tipong patapos na yung kwentuhan tapos may mga bagay na nasabi mong hindi mo inaasahan. Mga bagay na mas nakapagpatibay at nakapagpatotoo na sa kakuwentuhan mo kung sino nga yung mga taong tinutukoy mo. Masaklap. Mapapahiyaw ka talaga. Minsan, sa hiya.

Pero ganu`n talaga. Wala ka nang magagawa. Pakiusapan mo na lang yung nakaalam na kung pwede itago na lang. Nakakaloko pero nakakatuwa pa rin. Kasi, kahit isa may napagsabihan ka na. May nakaalam na. Maluwag sa pakiramdam, hindi ka na kasi nag-iisa. Siguradong may makakakwentuhan ka sa mga posibleng mangyari pa. At isa pa ang tiyak, kapag may nakaaalam pang iba, wala nang ibang may sala kung hindi siya.

Alam mo kung ano yung masaya sa pagkukwento sa mga walang panggalang karakter ng kwento? `Yun yung pagtanggap mo ng mga walang bias na komento galing sa kausap mo. Hindi kasi niya kilala, kaya in general niya tingnan yung sitwasyon, yung kwento. Mas makatotohanan rin tuloy yung mga advice na makukuha mo. Mas makakatulong sa`yo. At mas madalas lalo na kung salungat sa persepsyon mo, mas makakagulo sa isip mo. May second thoughts na, kumbaga. Talagang maguguluhan ka. Anu na nga ba talaga?

xxx

Credits to pizzadreams for the photo

Project 28 8&9/28

This is serious now. I'm on a fucking diet. I started yesterday, yeah with the slimming coffee brrr. I have a cup then a bowl of porridge helped me get through the whole day. And super lots of water. Fruits too! Then at night, I eat dinner with only a tiny cup of rice. hrhrhr. But yeah, I started reviewing and I haven't resist temptation and I ate chips. Just a little. I danced. I slept about 11 pm. This is so not me.

I woke up 6:30 am. Then a cup of coffee again. I did a 30 minute exercise. Then I ate my lunch before going to school, a cup of rice again. Lots of water and fruits. Our professor dismissed us at 4, I went to the mall with Ferry. She owe me a treat and asked me if I want a sundae. I refused though I really want. I told her to buy me a yogurt instead. We stayed at the Food Court and holy cow, I'm drooling. She's eating chips and shake while I'm only eating my yogurt. A friend, Crishabelle came and she has tacos. Oh my. And she's eating right in front of me. Gaah, I really need to stop myself eating those foods, eh? But yeah, Saturday is my reward day so I can get to eat my food cravings. I can't wait.

This is pretty hard. Well yeah, hard. But I'm gonna do this 'cos I want to. I'm not doing this for anybody. I'm not doing this just for the money at stake. I'm doing this for myself and I'm sure this will be a success.

FUCKERIES OF LIFE

22Feb10, 06:23 AM

Rise and shine, people! Oh yes, I'm awake. Last time of being online? 01:38 AM. But I am awake until 02 AM sumfing.Yeah, you totally got it. I don't have a life. I'm stuck with this, like forever.

What's up with about the 5 hours when I'm away? Totally not fine. Yes, I cried. Felt so alone. Damned. Doomed. I had a fight with my dad. And it's like a big fight. There, I found out that I am brave enough and a coward at the same time. I can say things out, yeah, the real things but with my room door closed. Yes, 'cos my father's too mad at me that he want to slap me with slippers and stuff. So yeah, I don't want to be hurt physically, that's why I hide then do the talking. We have exchanged words of fuckeries and stuff. Good way to start a day. Morning again, anyway!

So yeah, I have to attend school at 08:30 AM, I made this while drinking my newly found slimming coffee. Uh-huh, I'm not joking. I'm believing that it can make me slim. Oh please. I'm dead serious now. I want to lose weight. Fuck it. (Oh, and now I put up a fight with my mom. We've been nagging the whole time I write this paragraph.) Beat my family people. My ever-cool family.

So back to the coffee, this will be my first day to drink it, as I have read reviews on the 'net, I so hope this will work for me too. I've mentioned on my past post that I put up a game with 4 of my guy friends about me, losing weight, right? So yeah, I hope this will help me. But of course, I'm gonna help myself too. Oh, wish me luck. I need that.

*My mom's on the background again* Hay, why is my life like this? Oh well, I don't have a life as I say but why do I still feel this way? What should I do to make everything okay? Like srsly serious, I'm too tired of everything. I want to make my fucked up life fixed. Now. Ugh, what about suicide? Hah, joking. I'm not that stupid and desperate to do such act, but I'll consider it still.

I'mma end this now. My mom said, "Wag ka nang aalis diyan. Wala ka ng ginawa. Maghapon, magdamag, madaling araw. Ano ba nagagawa niyan? Sisikat ka ba diyan? Papakainin ka ba niyan?" And now I say, if only I can do so, I'll glue myself here, forever. Shit, I'm doing something. Can't you see? I'm doing something, but not so productively. I blow shits like this everyday. I share my thoughts and crafts to people the way I only know. I made others happy by giving out advices I fail to give myself. I blog about things; Read others' blogs. Oh cyberworld, that keeps me company. I feel alone but with this, I can feel a companion. I can say things, the things I can't say to people. Oh yes, I'm too famous now. I'm known. Try googling my name. And you'll see the shit. It ain't true but it fucked me to the bones. I hate it. Some strangers know me too. And they give a damn stalking me. They're interested with my life, unlike you. Yes, I know there'll be a time that I'll get money from this. And I can buy and eat anything I want. But now, I don't bother at all, 'cos I'm on a diet, JSYK.

GIVE ME A LIFE, PRETTY PLEASE?

Hi. Okay, I'm updating this now with what's happening in real life. Like yeah, real life. Stop the dreaming shizz. I noticed that I flooded this with all the love, war, and heartache related posts. So yeah, this time I'm gonna tell you what really is happening to me. I'm doing this 'cos yes, I never feel this alone again. I'm okay with all the people around me but then, I feel like I can't tell anything to them, that I can't talk to them. So yeah, the problem's within me. One thing, I'm not happy nor sad.. I just feel empty.

School. Oh well, everything's fine. My grades are fine. I'm attending class still. But yeah, I'm not studying the way I study before. It's like I'm going to school for the sake of going to school. I am active, yes. 'Cos I believe I'm smart enough to learn the lessons well. I'm studying all of my subjects but Accounting. I don't know. It's the major subject, I know. And really, it lost my interest. I feel like I'm really not into it. Gaah, I'm afraid that I won't be successful 'cos that's what I want to be, but what should I do? I can't stand that subject, or maybe the teacher? Most likely.

Family. Some kind of fine? I don't know. Sometimes we're fine, sometimes we're not. I'm cool with my family. It's just natural for us to yell and fight. But sometimes I've thought that it's better if my parents will just separate than hear them fight. You know what I mean? I hate it when they're fighting. So better if they just go their separate ways. But I won't be happy either. Kill me. I don't know.

Friends. Fine. Perfectly fine. But yeah, again it's me. The problem, I mean. I don't know, I'm kind of being melodramatic the past months. My friends are so good. They are all awesome and I love them all. But there are times that I feel bad about them. I mean, the simple things. 'Cos I feel bad whenever they forget about me, when they say shitty things about me. Oh well, I'm talking about real friends here, right? I love being with my friends that's why I always set dates with them. One thing I wish for my circle? I hope we'll be more showy, like we can exchange hugs and kisses frequently. Those stuff showing affection. I mean, it feels so good when someone hugs me. I think I need a lot of hugs. But on my circle, we rarely hug. And it's kind of awkward for me, to tell them to hug me everytime. So yeah, I'm super wanting a hug. That way, I won't feel this loneliness.

Love. The shit. Okay, status now? I'm falling. Yeah, srsly. No matter how I stop myself, it just doesn't work. I don't know how he made me feel like this. Well, he has no idea, after all. But yeah, I'm gonna stay this way na lang. I won't let him know 'cos I don't want to fail again. Yeah, I hate failing though I always fail, so yeah I'm kinda used to it. Fuck the Kim and Gerald movie 'cos it made me realize so many things. Before watching that, I've been thinking about a guy friend and after the movie, I start thinking of another. That's a real shit. I mean, love's too fine for me. But sometimes I can't stop thinking that love is really not for me. Love is a failure for me. Like, I'll be stuck with this, like this forever. For real. How lame the life I have, huh? I guess I need to satisfy myself on the love I can see in others. So status again? I'm falling and ready to be hurt again.

What's up with me?

So it's weekend. I have Saturday classes but it was canceled yesterday? You know that shit when you're all ready to go to school? Woke up too early, took your bath and get all dressed-up then someone texted you that the class is canceled. Oh yes, it feels good but fuck it too. Get me?

I stayed up in front of the computer starting 7:30 am. I do stuff. Online. And yeah, start watching a new series. Liar Game. Marathon. I stopped at 5:00 pm. Like yeah, straight. I went to sleep. I woke up 11 pm. Then yeah, get online again. Then go DVD marathon. Sleep at 3:30 am. Then yeah, woke up 12 nn. Went online. And yeah, until now. Yes, that's how I live. I live to do nothing. I don't have a life. My body clock is so fucked up and so am I.

I also need to go on diet. I put a game with my guy friends that I'll be losing an inch in just a month. So yeah, what's up now? I'm eating double. Fuckyeah, I'm not doing anything yet to lose weight. I seriously don't have a life. I'm such a waste. Pretty waste. Oh I'm doing something pala, I'm starting to save money so that I can pay for them. Cos I know I'll be losing. Fuck me. I hate the way I think. You hate me too, don't you?

I have my exam on my major subject on Tuesday and until now, I know nothing. Maybe I'll start reviewing Monday night. Yeah, that's how I review. I will procrastinate first, then do the review on a rush. And it works, though!

So yeah, too much for the nonsense update. I hope I get better. I hate the way I live my life now. Emptiness it is. So yeah, gotta goes.

In just 10 minutes

I planned of blogging about how much I adore and like you. About everything that made me feel like this... towards you. But in just 10 minutes, it changed.

Hindi naman sa ayoko na. Naisip ko lang na dapat siguro itigil ko na 'to, habang maaga pa. Keysa isulat ko lahat ng mga bagay kung bakit naging ganito ako ngayon, mas okay na sigurong isulat na lang yung mga dahilan kung bakit hindi na ako dapat magpatuloy pa.

Kailan ko lang talaga naramdaman 'to. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit, basta na lang. Eto ngayon, ang gulo na ng isip ko. Grabe. Super stuck ka na sa utak ko. Lagi kita naiisip. Lagi kita gustong makausap. Parang super obsessed. Ganun. Alam mo yun, ayaw ko na sanang isipin ka pero wala. Andito ka pa rin.

Ewan ko ba. May oras na feeling ko, gusto kita. Meron naman din na oras na feeling ko, kaibigan lang talaga. Minsan kasi may spark, minsan may kilig, minsan rin wala. Hindi ko lang talaga naisip na magkakaganito ako. Lalo na sa'yo. But don't worry, hindi pa ko super hulog na hulog. Kaso mukhang malapit na ata. Tsk.

Nilalagay ko na sa isip ko na 'wag na, hindi pwede. Baka kasi masayang lang ang lahat. Baka kasi katulad ka rin niya. Nung mga iba. Nakakatakot. Ayaw ko rin naman ng ganun. Mas okay na sa akin na ganito na lang tayo, kesa naman mawala lahat. Pero masarap rin yung feeling na masabi ko sana sayo. Lahat. Kaso nga, baka katulad ka rin niya, na nung sinabi ko na gusto ko siya, nawala lahat. Kung gaano namin kalapit sa isa't isa, ganun na rin kami ngayon, kalayo.

Ngayon? Sa totoo lang. Nalulungkot ako. Nagseselos ako. Gusto kong umiyak. Shet. Hindi naman ako ganito dati. Oh my! Iba 'to. Iba yung pakiramdam. Masakit. Kung anu-ano yung sinasabi ko. May nakita lang ako, nakakaselos na. Bakit ganito? Ayoko naman kasing magustuhan ka talaga kasi nga baka may masaktan ako but then again like shit, ako yung nasasaktan. So dapat talaga itigil na ito.

Ewan. Kaya mas okay talaga na crush-crush na lang, eh? Kasi that way, hindi gaano masakit. Sakto lang. Pag ayos, kikiligin, pag hindi, okay lang rin. Eh yung ganito? Hindi, eh. Iba yung sakit, pwede kang mapaiyak. Nakakalungkot. Sana kung ano ka na lang sa akin dati, ganun ka na lang rin ngayon. Hindi yung ganito, mahirap kasi. Ako, gusto ka habang ikaw walang kamalay malay. Gusto ko na talaga kasing sabihin, para ayun, masabi lang. Naramdaman ko na kasi yung ganung feeling dati, mas magaan sa loob. Gusto ko yung ganun. Kasi super mahirap. Mahirap na ako lang yung may alam.

Tae. Yun nga kasi, wala akong mapagsabihan. Ako lang. Pag natutuwa o nalulungkot ako tungkol sa'yo wala akong mapagkwentuhan. Super sinasarili ko lahat. Kinakausap ko sarili ko. Ngumingiti, tumatawa... parang tanga lang. Kaya ayun, super sakit. Eh kasi naman, parang mali kasi to 'eh. Kaya sa akin na lang. Hindi ko naman pwedeng sabihin sa kanila dahil baka hindi nila matanggap. Hindi makapaniwala. Mabigla. Saka naisip ko rin na ayusin ko na lang 'to mag-isa. Baka sakaling makalimutan ko to. So wala nang magugulo. Sassabihin ko na lang after 10 years, na may panahon na nagustuhan kita.

Hindi naman siguro mali yung mga naiisip ko. Ewan. Pero paano nga kasi kung sinabi ko sayo? Malay ko, may ibang magandang mangyari. Paano naman yun? Sayang diba. Regrets na naman. Regrets na lang lagi. What if sundin ko yung gusto ko? Na sabihin sayong gusto kita. What if sundin ko yung payo mo dati pa, na kung may gusto ka, sabihin mo... take the risk. Hindi ko akalain, na sayo ko rin pala mararamdaman 'to. Nakakagago. So panu nga kaya kung sayo? Matatanggap mo kaya lahat ng sasabihin ko? Baka kasi iwanan mo rin ako. Nakakatakot kasi. Kaya ganito ko, kasi ayaw kong masaktan. Kaya 'di bale na lang.

Story of My Life

I wish I had never met you.

Then there would be no need to impress you. No need to want you. No need for loving you. No need for crying over you. No need for heartbreaks. No need for pain or tears. No need for forgotten promises. No need for rejected hugs. No need for crying myself to sleep. No need for acting like you care. No need, for everything you've done to make me feel like absolutely nothing.

But then again, I'm glad I did met you. Cause you were the one who always asked me if anything was wrong. You were the one who loved me for me. The one who cared when everyone else didn;t. The one who listened. The one who stayed up late just to talk about the most random shit ever. You were the one who I told secrets to. The one who taught me new things. The one who laughed at my bad jokes. The one who did things, just for me.

xxx

I'm talkin' about you here. Like as always.

I want to meet the original writer, HAHA. We'll click!

Credits to: LINK

This is you again.Oh, why you?

DISCLAIMER: Oh noes! This was a mess. It is so not organized and as in not connected. If this is technical writing, this is an epic major fail. But yeah, this is just a spontaneous entry coming from the shitty head of me. So yeah, this is just how I feel now and so please, bear with me.

I am weird. I am stupid. I am a total shit. I don't get myself.

I am sentimental and overly dramatic, yes. But when it comes to other people feeling that way, especially because of me, I beg to disagree. I don't want to see people sad and fcuked up just because of me. It's fine when I'm sad so everyone should be fine too. You should be fine too. I really feel bad in times like this. I'm such a bad ass.

It feels good when someone gives up something for me. And you just did. But I need to remember that you've done so to mend my shitty feeling. Because the same way, it feels bad when someone can't give up something for me. And that, you just did. I don't know which to believe now.

I am so weird. I should be having no worries 'cos I'm the one who has been hurt but I never thought I'd be worried like this. Worried over you. Worried to the person who made me feel like this. Worried 'cos you won't be okay not until I'm okay, but which I really am not okay and I want you to be okay. That shit. I feel stupid.

I won't forget that night. It's been the most awkward night we had. And in a way, it has become special to me. We're so not like this. It feels like we are two different people having a conversation. I realized we are not those high school kids we were before. Not anymore. We have matured. We're serious and we're crying. Your words kind of struck me. You've really grown. It moved me. I like that.

I want to believe you but I can't. It's not about broken trusts and stuff. I just convinced myself that not all things are true. People lie. People lie the same way we need to eat just to stay alive. And sadly, most lies are the beautiful ones. Your words are awesome 'cos I feel so special. Gladly, I did not believe again. You have not stand up to your words twice in just one night. I'm not okay but you sleep.

I'm Twisted

It is a weird feeling when different emotions eat you up. You're happy, then sad and now you're having a hard time thinking what you are feeling. A very hard time knowing what you should feel. It's been great though, that at least in times like this, I know my mind is really working. And even my heart. They are both super working for me. Great.

Yes, I am fcuking twisted.

I hate you tonight

My Valentines Day is good. It's great. I'm talking about the Valentines day literally. All's good by day but the night? Like now. Tonight? No, it is not. I plan to post everything that happened today but yeah, I'm ruined. I'm sad? Yes. I want to write how much my friends made me happy today but my mood's totally messed up now. I can't write those happy moments when I feel so fcuked up. Oh yes, my kind of writing is also fcuked up. All be fcuked.

This may be shallow but yeah, because of that one thing, I almost forget how much happy I am. And yes, I'm crying. Oh. I really don't know. I'm such a shallow person. People's words are like everything to me. And your words tonight, it fcuks me up. I just can't believe you can't give me that one little favor. I'm asking if you can give me a favor and you just said yes. When I told you about it, you backed out. You know what's shitting the hell out of me? You even have the guts to prove what I'm feeling towards you. You thought I won't do it for the sake of money and for the sake that you'll feel I'm really okay? Oh boy, you're wrong. I don't care. I fcuking feel bad.

I did it just to prove how bad I felt. And for Pete's sake, you give me the favor. Like shit, why the hell? Why now? And you're telling me, just to fix things up between us. That is so lame. What's done's done. Hope you'd just stand up on your words. I don't get it why I'm crying now. It's been too long since I last cried. And now you, you made me shed a tear. You made me cry.

Like srsly, I'm so happy the whole day. Then you fail me and now I'm crying. Shit. Valentines is really overrated. You're my closest and now we're in this sitch. Blame yourself. I hate you for making me feel like this. Too ironic that I even told you I love you just before we had a fight and now I'm ending the night hating you. I know it won't take us long to make it up, but yeah this is how I felt. I'm not okay and I hate you.

Photo from Google; Moi current Facebook profile picture.

For V-Day's Sake

Miss You

by Kathleen S. Musni

Days and weeks passed by

I didn't hear from you

A glance on your photograph

I don't know what to do.

Every minute I'm thinking of you

Are you thinking of me too?

Lying here wide awake

Oh boy, how I miss you.

In every dream

You're always there

I wanna scream

But you could not hear.

Struggling with this pain

Pain with no cure

Staring in obscurity

I need your help

I need you here with me.

**Back to my Junior days in high school.

Photo by LINK

Yun Lang, Gusto Kita

Dear You,

Alam mo, gusto kita. Oo, 'nun pa. Hindi ko lang sinasabi kasi maraming dahilan. Masyadong kumplikado. Ewan ko, natutuwa kasi ako sa'yo. Nararamdaman ko rin kasing pinapahalagahan mo ako. Oo, gusto kita.

Dati, akala ko crush lang. Alam mo yun, paghanga. Nakakatuwa ka kasi, napapasaya mo ako. Pero ngayon, parang iba na. Ibang-iba na. Gusto na kita laging makasama. At pagkasama na kita, sobra ko naman ng saya. Gusto kita laging makausap. At pagkausap na kita,parang ayaw ko nang matapos pa. At pagkausap kita, nakakalimutan ko na lahat ng iba ko pang dapat gawin. Masyado akong naging abala at tutok sa'yo. Gusto na nga talaga kita.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung bakit o kung paano. Basta bigla na lang. Nakakagulat. Pero hindi ko pinigilan na maramdaman ko ito, kasi alam kong gusto ko. Minsan nga naiisip ko, paano kung maging tayo, magiging masaya kaya tayo pareho? Naiisip ko rin, gusto mo rin kaya ako? O nagustuhan mo rin kaya ako? Kahit kaunti lang. Siguro kapag ang sagot mo ay oo, kikiligin ako. At kapag hindi naman, tiyak malulungkot ako. Bakit? Kasi gusto kita.

Matapang na tao ako. Yung mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin, sinasabi ko. Wala akong pakialam sa mga sasabihin ng ibang tao. Iilan lang yung mga pagkakataon na talagang itinatago at sinasarili ko. At siguro, isa ito sa iilan na iyon. Kaya kong sabihin sa'yo, oo. Pero mas pipiliin ko muna sa ngayon na huwag na lang. Ayoko kasing may masasagasaan na tao sa mga bagay na gagawin ko. Mahirap rin yung ganito, masikip sa puso. Gusto ko nang ilabas. Pero hindi talaga, kahit gusto kita.

Hindi ko alam kung mababasa mo ito. Dahil pagdating sa mga ganitong ginagawa ko, hindi naman sa wala kang pakialam, hindi mo lang siguro trip makialam at alamin kung ano ang mga nangyayari sa akin at sa buhay ko. Sa malamang kahit masakit mang malaman, wala ka nga atang pakialam. Pero sa panahong makita at mabasa mo ito, tatlong bagay lang ang hihilingin ko: Una, sana maramdaman mo, kahit kaunti lang, na ikaw, ikaw ang tinutukoy ng sulat na ito. At pangalawa, sa panahong naramdaman mong para sa iyo ito, sana ipaalam mo sa akin kung ano ang nararamdaman mo. At pangatlo, kapag sasabihin mo na sa akin ang nararamdaman mo, sana naman ang maririnig ko ay yung mga salitang, Oo gusto mo rin ako.

Hindi naman sa naghahangad ako ng masyado, sinasabi ko lang kung ano yung totoong nararamdaman ko. Sino ba naman kasi ang may hindi gustong magustuhan ka ng taong gusto mo. Oo alam ko, magulo. Pero ganu'n talaga. Pagdating sa ganito, lagi akong naloloko. Hayaan mo, sa panahong handa na ako, pangako ilalagay ko na ang panggalan mo dito. Huwag mong isiping ikinahihiya kita, kasi hindi 'yon totoo. Kaya nga ginawa ko ito dahil sa sobrang paghanga at pagkabilib ko sa'yo. Sa kung ano at sino ka talaga. Nakakatuwa. Nakakaloko. Nakakahulog. Kaya heto ako ngayon, gustung- gusto ka.

Love always,

Me

Photo by LINK

All That I Am, All That I Ever Was

Being alone sometimes brings me closer with my lost self. It's been years that I felt something in me is really missing. The person who I was is nowhere to be found. The self which I placed somewhere I do not know. It's sweet... and woeful.

I've been surrounded with lots of people; strangers, friends, animals and bullshits. They made me forget that there is more to life than clinging in to them. It is so serious that I almost forget about myself. To be honest, I think I've been busy pleasing and entertaining these creatures. And now I realized, they are so creepy and the thought of it scares me.

Three days since I unite with my soul. It keeps on whispering the words I should have known way back. The mumbled words before that I did not mind. The things that is futile to me, I thought. And I was wrong. I should have listened. Fuck.

Everything is slowly getting lucid now. I am now conscious of the things I should have known for so long. It feels like I've been awakened. I can now appreciate. I can understand now and I am getting the hang of it. Everything is clearer now. My long lost self is soon to be found.

PHOTO by LINK