There`s No Title Perfect For This. My Life`s a Blur

I knew it. We`ll never be the same. Sorry, I fucked up. Sorry, I went beyond my limitation. Sorry, for being so dumb and stupid for giving in. I`m sorry it turned out this way. I`m sorry. I`m sorry. I`m sorry.

I told myself I need to stop this. I need to stop thinking. Stop write something here and there. I need to stop everything. But I`m sorry, I failed again. I need to release everything. It was this blog, I think is the most safest place I can run in to.

I thought that by the time you`ve learned about everything, I`ll be okay. But I think I`m not. This feeling is eating me up. I don`t know if it`s just me but yeah, I think you`ve changed. We have changed.

I`ve been online the whole day, and I have seen you getting online and offline. It was that, I`m not used to us, not chatting you know. I know I have no right to demand or anything but that`s how it used to be before, eh? We have not talked since I told you how I feel. And that disturbs me, you know. I know we`re friends and I assume nothing has to change. But yeah, I can feel the change now.

I never want to lose you. I don`t want to lose someone like you. You`re one in a million and I swear that I will do my fucking best just to bring back the way we used to be. I`ll do my best to set aside my feelings. If you only knew how sorry I am. Sometimes, I think I should have not felt this way but I will never ever regret the day I start to like you. I mean, I may feel sad at times but it`s not a reason for me to regret you. It`s fine, this is what I want then I should face the consequences. But honestly, I think I`m hurting too much.

But I should take this in mind, that this is what I want. I did exactly what I want. And I must be ready about everything next to it. I should be happy instead for doing what I want. If it takes me to be sad, then I`ll take it open-armed. I may be sad now but I know I'll be happy again. It may take a little time but at least I will be happy soon. I wish for your happiness also. I`m praying that at least you can sleep soundly every night. I wish you are not feeling the way I`m feeling now. I wish that you`d get better. I`m always praying your safety. I'm wishing for everything that you wanted to be. And I`m wishing for a peace in mind and happiness, nothing more, nothing less.

Tomorrow. I`m waiting for the last sign. If I feel the awkwardness and the change between the two of us then I must really take sometime away from everything and start to look at a different perspective. If something has changed, then I guess I need to get away for a while. But if we`ll stay as normal, throw jokes and laugh together, then I must say, I`ll just go with the flow. But wherever this may take me, I`ll be happy. Whatever God`s will may lead me, I`ll be happy.

Just Another Letter

14 July 2010

Wednesday, 02:21 AM

Dear You,

Alam mo, sobrang saya ko. Masaya kasi sa wakas nasabi ko na sa`yo. Hindi ko akalain na sa mismong pinakamahalagang araw ng buhay ko pa masasabi `yun sa`yo. Hindi ko `to makakalimutan. Ngayon, napakagaan na ng pakiramdam ko. Masarap talaga ang pakiramdam ng walang itinatago. Salamat. Maraming salamat sa pang-unawa mo. Hindi ko akalain na magiging okay lang sa`yo, na tanggap mo. Ang tanga ko talaga, sana hindi ko na pinatagal pa ito. Sana noon ko pa `to sinabi sa`yo, ng hindi na rin ako nahirapan noon. Pero siguro ganoon talaga, ito yung tamang panahon.

Salamat talaga. Wala. Hindi ko alam yung sasabihin ko. Basta, Masaya ako. Alam ko kasing nandiyan ka pa rin, nandiyan pa rin kayong mga kaibigan ko para sa akin. At `yun nga, sana walang magbago sa atin. At sana, kung may magbago man, para sa ikakabuti at ikakaganda pa ng kung anung mayroon tayo ngayon. Ang sarap isipin na gusto kita. Hindi talaga nagkamali yung pagkakataon na sa lahat ng tao, ikaw yung nagustuhan ko, napakabuti at maunawain mong tao. Hinahangaan kita, salamat.

Pero ngayon, sa totoo lang, may gumugulo na naman sa isip ko. Ngayong nasabi ko na, at officially alam mo na. Iniisip ko kung dapat ko bang bawasan na muna yung pagsusulat at pag-iisip ko ng kung anu-ano paungkol sa`yo para hindi na lumalim pa ito, kung anu pa mhn ito, o hayaan ko na lang kung anong mangyari, kung saan man ako mapunta. Pero hindi rin, eh. Ayaw kong umabot sa point na sobrang mahuhulog ako sa`yo, dahil sa totoo lang ayaw kong masaktan. Ayaw ko ng umiyak. Pero bahala na.

Basta, magkaibigan tayo. Masaya ka at masaya ako. Yun lang ang mahalaga. Basta salamat at hindi mawawala ang paghanga ko sa iyo. Maraming salamat sa lahat. Malaking parte ka ng buhay ko. Salamat talaga, pinasaya mo ako. Siguro nga, dapat bawasan ko na yung mga pagsulat ko. Hanggang sa muli. Mag-iingat ka palagi, ha? At kahit anumang pagdaanan mo, alam kong kaya mo `yan. At kahit anong mangyari, nandito lang ako. Salamat. Hanggang sa muli kong pagsulat.

Love always,

Me