Should I Be Happy or Sad?

"Reading isn`t your thing."

The Better Worse

Call me that. : )

I`ve been away for days. I can feel fate`s allowing me to leave everything for a while. Just in time that I have decided the sun decided to let go. Oh, as I thought if ever she can let go. I really want to be alone... I want to think things over. I really want to know why am I being like this and unfortunately, I can`t seem to find the answer, even a clue.

I realized I was never alone. I have never been alone the whole time. He was with me, he never leave me. He`s always there.. here. From the moment I wake up until I get myself to sleep, he`s always here. I always see him in every single thing I do and it`s really hard. I`m really having a hard time dealing with my situation now. I never wanted to be like this. I can`t blame him either, this is not his fault. This is no one`s fault... but yes, I need to bear.

I love this feeling, you know. It`s just that, it`s too hard for me. I feel like bursting out but I don`t know where to go. I feel like everybody`s against me. I want someone I can cry my heart out. This, this is one of the two ways I only know that I can make myself feel better, blogging, telling the www this feeling. Ironically, I`ve been telling the world wide web but they can`t seem to know. No one bothers about me, heh.

How can I get better? Until when will I get better? How long should I endure the pain? I told myself I`ll get better after letting it all go, but it`s not that easy. Words can`t take control. It was like, the more I feel like stopping, the more it gets intense. I don`t know, maybe I`m just overdoing the situation.

Right now? I`m really getting worse. My world`s kinda messed up. I need someone but I`m sticking to be with no one. Yeah. I`ll get through this. My hormones are kinda sucked up that`s why I`m acting like this. Oh jeez, I bet that if I ever get to read this again, I`ll be really going gulong tawa gulong. But yeah, FML now. I`m smiling now. I can do this. Glad I have chocolates with me. Hay, fighting! I need to be better to be the best.

*photo has nothing to do with this post.

The heart has its reasons that reason does not know at all.

There are days that you feel nothing but ordinary about yourself. Getting up at the wrong side of the bed. Darkness over the window pane. A bad hair day. There are days you feel indifferent. It`s just that you feel like you don`t blend in. Those were the days.

You feel beautiful now, don`t you? As you pass by a mirror, you stop and stare on your reflection smiling back at you. You feel beautiful. You start singing your heart out whenever you want to. No matter what kind of voice you have. Others may say something but it don`t matter to you, you`re happy. You feel giddy. You feel like dancing. You feel like you are floating on the thin air. That feeling... that is so beautiful, just like you.

The birds chirping outside make you a happy banana. The lightness you`re feeling is priceless. You`re one happy soul. You get inspired to do things now. You start discovering many things you don`t know you`re good at before. Everyone can see the happiness in you. You`re inspired. Your loved ones start to notice something, something really different. You`ve changed and you have no idea about it. It feels so natural for you, isn`t it?

What happened to you? You`ve really changed, I can see that. You`ve become better now. You`re really happy and I hope you will stay that way, forever. I want to know the reason, please. It must be special. I can feel that it is so important and you love that reason, whatever it may be. But could you please tell me?

What you told me? It was an amazing story. You`re such a sweet, sweet, thing. I never had imagined everything that you just said. I can say now that your reason is one of the best thing that has ever happened to you. You smiled and said, "Yes it is. But I`m thinking, why does this happen to me? This ain`t easy. I never wished for something like this but yeah, I was happy. I was."

I get confused on your answer. What do you mean? You`re happy, you look great. You look perfectly fine. Is there any problem? You looked back, perhaps wiping your tears. "There are many things which you don`t know yet. There are things you may not get to notice but it`s just there, for so long. Look at the sunset, it is so beautiful. It feels really good seeing it, right? People find it amazing but you know what? The sun was never happy. She was never happy because she`s leaving the sky after a great day they have shared. She has to leave the sky and let the moon take care of it. She can`t do anything and so she just sends the stars to accompany her sky. After all those days they have shared and experienced, she has to leave. The sun has to rest her heart all night. The sun may look shiny and bright all day but every night she`s different. She`s distant to the sky. The sun is weeping, yes she is. The sun sets everyday, and the sun is crying every night too, since she`ll be apart from the sky. The sun has her own reasons. And now she has decided... she has to let go. I`m a sucker of sunsets, but when I get to know this? I`ve realized that it is not only us people who`s wearing a mask. Goodbye is not beautiful. Sunsets are goodbyes. I don`t know." I don`t know what to tell you now after you said this. And so I stopped.

No Regrets

I`m happy, yes. I`m happy that finally, I have told him a part of what I`m feeling. This feeling is super great. Yeah, I felt like I really have taken the risk. I have taken this the fun way. I just don`t know what his reaction will be. I hope he`ll appreciate it, like somehow appreciate it. I made my surprise for one whole day, while the other surprise that I`ll give him maybe tomorrow, I made it also for about 2 days. Yeah, I really made those whole heartedly. I`m not expecting something in return. A simple appreciation from him would be more than enough. Okay, so now everything`s getting clearer. Oh, well. I just can`t hide behind all these, eh? I really want to explode `cos I can`t tell this to anybody. So yeah, just to experience that sense of relief again, I`ve done this. Yeah, no regrets please. Whatever happens, happens.

If ever he doesn`t appreciate the video, that will be fine with me. Yes, I`ll definitely be sad but yeah, I can`t force him to like it. All I know is that I made something like this just because I want to. This is my way of telling him that, yeah he`s special. He`s that important to me. He`s one of my closest friends. This is my way, eh? I`m the kind of person who doesn`t go for material things. I`m more of a sentimentalist that`s why I`m applying it also to the people around me. I`m assuming that they`ll love what I love. `Cos yes, if I`m the one who was given this kind of present, I`ll be super thankful. But yeah, we`re all different and I have to accept it. So now, I`m going to sleep and I just don`t know what will happen next. I don`t know if I can call this a good night. Good bye, what?

Life is Like a Boat

Madalas na akong matanong ng ganyang tanong noon pa. Isang tanong na mahirap sagutin. Mahirap kasing mamili, lalo na kung iyon ay dalawang taong mahalaga sa buhay mo. Wala akong gustong piliin, gusto ko pareho. Pero sa buhay, hindi pwedeng laging dalawa. May mga oras talagang dapat mamili ka.

Noon, `pag tinanong ako tungkol du`n, hangga`t maaari hindi ko sasagutin, wala akong pipiliin. Ayaw ko kasi talagang mamili at mas ayokong malaman ng isa na hindi ko siya pinili. Pero sa bawat tanong na nakukuha ko, napapaisip ako. Paano nga kaya? Dapat akong mamili... At aminin ko man o hindi, meron talaga. Siya. Siya kasi hindi ko alam. Basta siya.

Ngunit hindi ko akalaing darating kami sa punto na `yon, sa puntong mangyayari sa totoong buhay yung dating tanong lamang. Hindi ko na nakuhang mag-isip. Silang dalawa, at ako... kaming tatlo. Nangyari ang hindi inaasahan, at parang nagkaroon na rin ng sagot ang tanong nila noon. Hindi ko rin inaaasahan. Hindi ko rin naisip noong mga panahong iyon. Ngayon na lang ulit, dahil may nagpaalala na naman sa akin ng tanong na iyon.

Ang nakakatawang isipin, sa mga tanong nila, siya ang sagot ko. Pero sa totoong pangyayari, yung isa yung tinulungan ko. Napapaisip tuloy ako ngayon, ano nga ba talaga? Nakatakda bang mangyari iyon dalawang taon na ang nakakalipas? Bakit ganoon? Pero kung iisipin ko ngayon, siya rin talaga. Nabulag lang siguro ako sa pagtingin ko noon sa isa. Ewan.

At ngayon ngang may nagtanong na naman sa akin ng parehong tanong, ayaw ko nang sumagot. Ayaw kong diktahan yung sarili ko sa kung ano ang dapat. Bahala na lang. Mangyari na lang ang mangyari. Hindi ko naman gustong may mangyari para lang malaman ko kung ano yung magiging sagot ko, hayaan na lang natin. Pero sa totoo lang, masakit mang isipin, parang may sagot na ako.

An Online Letter

Hello, Mr. Whoeveryouare. You know what? I`m thinking of telling you na. Yeah, I want to tell you but just like before, I`m scared. I want you to know everything I`m feeling. I was like decided to tell you the moment I learned that you`re planning to live out of the country when given a chance. But you know what, that country you want to live in is the same country I want to live in too. Yes, my first choice. And now I`m thinking, what would that possibly be? Coincidence or maybe we`ll be living together on that same country, same place, same home. Yeah, I`m such a fool.

ATM, there are 6 people who knows that I`m liking you. Well, I just don`t know if my count`s accurate. I even don`t know, maybe you`re informed about this too. Yeah, I feel like you know about this, about my feelings towards you. And I really don`t know what to do anymore. What should I do?

Hay. Grabe. Gusto ko na talagang sabihin kaso may pumipigil pa rin, eh? Alam mo `yun. Hindi ko alam kung maaano ka o ano. HAHA. Kasi naman, bakit ikaw pa? Pero DW, wala akong pinagsisisihan, nagtatanong lang. :)

PS. Kung alam mo naman na oh, please pakisabi naman na sa akin.

Love always,

Me

Realizations from 08 April 2010

*Doing what you love makes you the happiest. You may feel tired physically but you will have no regrets of doing it. It is like a supply of drug that helps you stay alive. If there`s passion, I may say, there is success.

*Change. It`s inevitable. It`s contagious. It`s just nice to know that there are still a few people hungry for change. A change for our betterment. Sacrificing themselves makes me want this kind of people. All I hope for is that they`re not deceiving us, that they`re not playing games with us. In our present situation, there`s no room for jokes anymore. We`re close to being helpless. Everyone`s desperate in getting the change we`re all wanting for ages now. Make it real, people. Make it real.

*Everyone`s given choices. I have chosen mine and now choose yours. I may not be able to vote yet but being involve as early as now can do something. If I were to vote, I have my pick. We can practice our rights as early as one, two, three, anyway. I may be minor but I know I can do something. Who knows? This can help us achieve change.

*Loving knows no distance. You love just because, no need for reasons. Having someone you love distant to you is really difficult but knowing you`re enduring all those difficulties makes it clear that you love with all your heart. It`s painful, yes. But once you get through it, it`s nothing but happiness.

*Trust can`t be bought, it`s earned. You can`t get one`s trust too easily. We all must be patient. And once you gain someone`s trust, don`t ever do anything that can break it. `Cos once it`s broken, it will never be the same again. Learn to value the trust that someone gave you, it`s priceless. Get this in mind, not all people can be trusted. Don`t count yourself in with them. Knowing someone trusting you let others know what kind of person you are. It`s precious, take care of that.

*Humans are not robots. We cannot do many things at the same time. You`re not that great. It`s difficult, face it.

Friends, I Love You

I made a video to sum up everything that has happened yesterday. Yeah, I super enjoyed hanging out with my friends, to bits. Thanks to Charlotte for initiating this and I also have to thank myself for allowing this to happen. What? No, I mean, I`m the one who invited these people, y`know. And yeah, thanks everyone for coming and letting me experience such joy and excitement. I told them that we`ll meet at 12 noon but I texted them already as early as 11 AM telling that that I`m at the mall. Why? Because I knew it. I know these people so much that they love being late... always. Too bad they know me that well too that`s why they did not believe. They`re always late, yes. But yeah, I`m their queen. It`s already 1pm and we`re not complete yet. Jeez. Then we had our lunch at about 2pm. Yeah, Karate Kid, the place to be `cos it`s always empty. heehee.
I`m super broke, I only eat Jr. Katsudon, only 75 pesos. :D I also won 50 pesos from Kenneth, `cos yeah I beat him. We want to watch Clash of the Titans but we end up on what`s planned, Babe I Love You. Fuck Sam Milby. So yeah, the movie for me, wasn`t good. It was more of a comedy than a romantic kind of movie. Sorry, but I`m not a fan. :)
Well, the funny thing is, yeah we bought premiere tickets. And as we`re heading the cinema, I forgot that I was holding my camera then the lady guard told me it was prohibited, yes I know, and I need to let her keep that. Sorry but I don`t want too, so I told her I`ll be back, I`ll just give the camera to a friend and all that. Alibi, you know. The truth is, I just put it under my pants. HAHA, Good thing I`m wearing black and that I have a bag to cover up.
As we`re inside the movie house, there are no vacant seats other than the first row. That goddamn row. Fuck the fact it was ever created. I hate to say this but yes, I`m too small for that spot. I can`t seat naturally `cos I won`t be able to see the screen. Yeah, I`m super decided to take another seat. Kenneth wants to transfer too, `cos yeah he`s smaller than me. HAHAHA just kidding. :) I found two vacant seats the row right next to us but there`s a bag on one seat and the lady told me it was occupied. So yeah, I look for other seats and found one on the left side of the theater, I transferred there, alone. And yeah, I was like sitting next to a clingy-PDA-couple. I just don`t mind them but yeah they`re too annoying.
Then yeah, Kenneth did not take it anymore. Guess he can`t watch well so he transferred to the seat next to me. And yeah, he kind of covered the two. And gladly, I`m not alone anymore. The couple leave the movie house earlier so Lou transferred to the seat next to Kenneth so there`s the three of us together.
Rhea came about in the middle part of the movie and so they decided to watch the movie once more. After the movie, we told them to transfer next to us so that we`ll be together on the next screening. We took photos during the break even though we know it`s prohibited. So during the second screening, I told Kenneth and Lou that I`ll be going out to meet Marvin. Yeah, one thing more is that I am not enjoying the movie so might as well, go out. Kenneth joined me `cos I`m his idol, HAHA. We then talked to Marvin like there`s no tomorrow. And we haven`t gone inside since then. We stayed at the movie lounge and yeah, the others went out too.
My Mom`s bugging me to go home and meet her early. It was like about 4 o`clock then. I was scheduled to take my haircut and to visit the tailor that`ll make my dress for my cousin`s wedding. So yeah, it was all canceled because I can`t take leaving my friends and missing out the fun.
We went to Mcdonald`s then Tom`s. We played my most loved sport, hockey shizz. And yeah, as always, it made me more bankrupt. I lost 80 pesos. 40 for Lou, and 20 each for Kenneth and Patrick. Jeez, fuck it. I paid Kenneth 20 while I`ll pay Lou andPatrick via load. So all in all I just lost 30 pesos `cos I won 50 from Kenneth. Aside from getting bankrupt, I ended up getting hurt `cos I was fingered during the game. And yeah my left arm hurts so bad, until now.
But no regrets, I had so much fun. Oh btw, I went home 7 o`clock PM. :) My Mom`s like mad at me for a minute and told me I won`t be able to go out the next day. And sheesh, I was planned to attend a friend`s debut party. Oh life.
As soon as I got home, I headed in front of the computer and do my stuff. I was like offline the whole day and I haven`t updated any of my accounts. My Tita called me on Skype and yeah, we talked. Then my friends bug me to go Skype and do conference. Like seriously, I was so damn busy. I told them, later, later, later. They started about 8:30 and I joined 10:00. We talked until quarter to 12, I think. Yeah, they`re Krystovic, Marvin, and Kenneth. My perv friends, oh I mean, best friends. =)) HAHA. So yeah, all`s fun. I was too busy that I haven`t eaten my dinner. My last meal was my Jr. Katsudon lunch at Karate Kid. I just sip on a hot chocolate before I went to sleep. I sleep at about 3 am. Yeah, I`m a vampire that super fucking bites. :D

EYESORES: You can be the butterflies I feel in my belly

Aannyeonghaseyo! :3 Yay! I was like K-popped the past weeks, you know. I`ve been busy watching series and movies `cos yeah, what should I do? Life gets boring everyday. Anyway, so I was like blogging last night then I decided to watch episodes of You`re Beautiful again. It was like about 3 AM then. But sadly, my Dad woke up and saw me awake still and he`s like, "Why are you still awake, ha? Go sleep." And I was like, "Du`h, get used to it," only to myself. It`s Black Saturday, you know. I need to be tamed.

So my plan to watch was canceled. I just stayed in my room and decided to go doodle. I`m in search for my doodle diary but yeah, it was missing. I`m looking for it for minutes and yeah, I did not get to see it. I super need to find that, it has everything about me and no one should ever read the contents there. I have to find it.

But yes, I can feel my doodler-self saying that she wants to doodle. Okay, call me crazy. No, but seriously, I want to doodle and since my diary`s missing, I ended up doodling on my graphing notebook back in high school. Yeah, I haven`t finished my doodle yet `cos my pens are missing too. Oh life, everything`s been missing. To tell you, the statement I wrote on my doodle-work is this, "I never had the courage to tell you how I feel," come on, what`s up with me again? Chase Coy`s hitting me again.

I was like this on February and then I stopped on March. Now, it`s April... I don`t wanna get back. But what if it gets back? Oh no! Not again. I don`t want to go gaga over him again. HAHA. This can`t be. So yeah, help me get through this. It will only cause trouble and pain. Oh, drama!

Anyway... I just discovered an awesome application on Facebook last night. It was the Eyesores application. It`s like a gift application you can send to your friends but not annoying and way too cool, you know. I super liked it `cos its alienated and monsterized. So me. I send my friends Eyesores, too bad I can`t post it on my own profile. So I just hit my friends a message telling them to please send me Eyesores. HAHA. And just when I woke up today, that`s about 1:30 PM. Yes, I`m a sloth. If I were a Pokemon, I`d be Snorlax. HRHRHR. I checked my Facebook and I got 13 notifications. Yikee, I love! And my friends sent me Eyesores. HAHA I`m so happy, great way to start my day. :)

One more thing to get this post more random... I have a dream, like wuhoo! A very good dream. It includes me and oh, never mind. We`re like three in my dream. (gummymilk and sizzlingkrabbymeat) Okay, that was funny. :)) But yeah, the dream`s too sweet that I don`t wanna be awake anymore. And when i woke up, I was like so kilig and I ended up daydreaming. I continue the story myself. : ) So yeah, stop the randomness. Today is super great. I hope this gets through until tonight. I`ll get to update this later and add more sensible photos than my Tumblr mosaic. HAHA. It`s just that, it`s not connected, you know. :)

Yes, I`m jealous.

Yeah, tweets from my Twitter. Gaah, kasi naman. I was like browsing some photos on Facebook and I just saw this guy and yeah, he has really changed. Grabe, iba talaga. He`s my crush back then and he doesn`t have a clue about it. Like yeah, `cos I was acting normally the whole time, at least for me. And now, my gosh! He has really changed... he`s too handsome now. Yeah, he isn`t cute. He`s handsome. I don`t know maybe because he`s my crush until now or what. I don`t know if it`s my eyes or my mind saying me that he`s really handsome now. Oh, whatever. I`m not the kind of girl who`s taking it just because of the looks anyway. No, definitely not. I don`t care how someone looklike, I`m after his personality and all that shizz. This guy`s just like a so-so back then, and yeah I like him. But now... he`s the bomb. I totally dig!

So much for that, then next on. When I clicked the 'next' button when I was browsing that same album, I saw him, yeah that guy, with another girl. They`re too sweet and all that. Heck, the pain I felt? It sucks. Yeah, I was like struck when I saw that. They`re too sweet but I`m pretty sure she`s not his girlfriend... at least just yet. (I`m smiling, yes.) Though knowing so, I can still feel the pain. Yes, I envy the girl. I feel jealous of her. You can`t blame me. I`m a girl, eh? Just as some other girls are, I wish I was in her place. Call me desperate. Kasi naman. I was not feeling like this just because I can see he`s handsome, I feel this way because, yeah, I like him. And truth be told, a part of me wants to be with him. Aww, sugar.

Summer Bummer, Whatever!

Hay. This is just the first week of vacation and yeah, boredom`s already here. Oh well, I`m not actually bored but I can feel the need of wanting new things to explore. Yes, I can spend the whole vacation right in front of this computer but I need to get a life, you know.

I`m stoked to be on the beach, enjoy the summer`s heat but unfortunately, I`m here at home and cursing the hot weather. Yes, it`s different. Gaah, what`s in store for me this summer, ha? I got no money. Yes, I`m broke. I can`t go out and chill and stuff. What a vacation, bummer.

And I thought, what more if I have no computer? If I have no Photoshop and internet with me? If I have no TV, radio and DVD player? A blender and air-con, maybe? If I got no camera and phone? If I got no pens and notebook? Wow, too hard. Let me die, aye? Fuck life if that happens.

Yeah, the image above is me. That`s me now. Everyday. My routine? I`m awake from 11 AM until 2 to 4 AM. I just stay in front of my computer the whole time that I`m awake. And if not, I`m on the dining table eating or in front of the television watching. Just that. See? Tell me who has a life now? Yeah, but it seems like I`m enjoying it. I just don`t know until when I can stand this. I need money, you know? I need money. Damn it.

I`m a Happy Banana!

I`m happy, you know. The feeling when you can make others happy by doing the things you just simply love... that. Doing favors for others are just simple things and yes, when they start to say they appreciate it and can`t stop thanking you... that.

It`s too nice to know that people appreciate what I do. It`s like, wow. I`m more encourage to continue what I`m doing. Yeah, this is about me loving the arts. It is actually my dream, to become an artist. It is also my first choice on what course to take up in college... anything Multi-media, Music, and Arts related course. But yeah, my parents disagreed and so I ended up taking Accountancy, and now Managerial Accounting.

My course is fine, I`m learning and all that but it`s still different. It`s like I`m doing this just because. Oh well, I`ve passed two years and two years more, I`ll get out of this. I`ll be graduating in two years time and I`ll only be nineteen then. I have enough time to pursue the course I really want to take. Yes, in just two years.

I can`t bore and stuck myself in just books, you know. I`m trying to exercise my skills in Arts... I do this by blogging, taking pictures, do editing, doodling, designing, and all that. I have all the time and chances anyway. I won`t stop just because some people told me so. This is what I love and I must do anything I can to continue doing it. Life gives me choices, and so I take my pick.

This is a great feeling `cos I can feel my worth, I can feel that I`m special, that I am something. People complimenting me and the stuff I do makes me a happy banana. You don`t know how much happy I am to know that I`m so appreciated. I may not feel it before but yeah, I can feel it now. This is a happy life. And yeah, I`m getting more inspired.